So fuck it, they went 0-16. It happened and now we have to move on. Rod Marinelli is gone and even though everyone is saying poor Rod and pretending like he was just a scapegoat in this clusterfuck of an organization, the Lions will be better off with him in Chicago washing Lovie Smith's balls or whatever the fuck it is he'll be doing there. Of course, the front office remains as disease ridden as ever, with little change other than dudes failing upwards after the Jabba sized shitpile named Matt Millen was removed from the offices of Ford Field.
The new GM, Martin Mayhew, seems like he knows that Matt Millen fucked everything up, which would be a good sign if it wasn't so blindingly obvious. I mean, of course he is going to say that Millen was a total failure. To say anything else would be to incite the mob just waiting to march on Ford Field after making a stop at the local torch and pitchfork store. Even Millen is saying he fucked up and that he wasn't qualified for the job. If even that ass gets it, then we better sure as hell hope that the new GM gets it too. I don't know. Maybe he really, really gets it and understands how to fix this shit. Maybe the Fords got lucky. Maybe there is a fairy(not Johnny Morton)living somewhere inside Ford Field who will bless Mayhew with unprecedented success in exchange for his soul or his first born or Rudi Johnson's panties or something. Who the fuck knows at this point? I mean, really, the odds don't seem to be in his favor, but the Lions do have a bunch of early draft picks with which to begin the rebuilding(or really, in this case, building - there is no "re" here)process. Maybe, maybe, maybe. It's all we have to grab hold of at this point to keep from drowning in a sea of despair and failure.
A lot has to happen in the next few months. We need a new coach for starters. Hopefully, it won't be yet another dude whose name starts with "M". Now, I'm not one for a bunch of gibbering bullshit about weird coincidences meaning anything, but I have been driven insane by the past season(try the last decade - oh fuck it, try the entire lifespan of my fandom)and so I will indulge this bit of ridiculousness. Matt Millen, he himself possessing two M's, hired Marty Mornhinweg, then Steve Mariucci, followed up by Rod Marinelli. Obviously, all were utter failures, leaving us no possible alternative but to decide that the letter M is the reason for the continued failure of the Detroit Lions. Well, out with the old I say, and...oh wait, Martin Mayhew, that's right. Never mind, keep on sucking ass dudes. So, the obvious solution is to look at who among the available candidates fulfills the all important M criteria and hire them. Out of the names being tossed around, there is but one man who seems to fit the bill here. Josh McDaniels, the Patriots offensive coordinator is our man. He has to be. There you go, the next coach of the Detroit Lions. Why yes, I am feeling remarkably insane today, thank you for asking.
Now, with that bizarre gibberish out of the way, we can move on. Look, in some ways I hate it, but I already find myself shrugging my shoulders and saying, well, why not? Maybe things can turn around. I know, I deserve to be slapped for this kind of bullshit, and I am sure that in another life I was an abused housewife who always came back for more, but damn it, it's not their fault! I was bad, I didn't have dinner ready on time, and I sassed when I should have smiled and said "Yes dear." I guess the insane gibberish portion of the post isn't over with after all. Never mind this nonsense, I am clearly still addled by what went on. 0-16 appears to have broken me. I am sorry. Blame the Lions. Those miserable fuckers.
Sometime soon I will begin my dissection of the horror show that was this past season. I'll probably break shit down by position, which should be about as fun as taking a tour through Auschwitz in 1945. I know, that is absurdly insensitive but I have lost all sense of perspective. In my last post I compared the Lions to Hitler and now I am raving about Auschwitz and oh God it never ends, it never ends. And the next several posts are likely going to be even more ridiculous and traumatizing. Prepare yourselves, bathe in holy water, drop acid, find a young priest and an old priest, I don't care, do what you've gotta do because it's going to be ugly and I wish I could say terrifying, but I am afraid that just doesn't cut it. Until then, I will hope for any sign that the Lions are going to turn it around. I know that I only hope in vain, but fuck it, it's not like it can get any worse. And Jesus, I really, really hope that's true.