Apparently, He Was a Good Man

So they fired him. Big damn deal. The fact that this was even apparently up for debate as the season drew to a close is evidence enough of how enormously and irreparably screwed up the Detroit Lions are as an organization.

Rod Marinelli was a terrible coach, just awful, and no matter how often people tried to sugar coat it by explaining over and over and over and over again that he was a good man who never quit on his players, blah blah blah, it doesn't obfuscate the fact that when it came to the singularly most important thing about being a professional football coach - winning the damn games - he was an utter and complete failure.

Of course, dumb columnists and stupid talking heads are obsessed with creating a narrative for every story, something concise and banal enough to be easily repeated and printed without any real thought going into it. It happens every time a story breaks about virtually any topic. Event happens, those who are paid to explain said event mine the story for the simplest, most linear explanation of what happened, they repeat this explanation, no matter how distorted, until they create a fucked up alternate reality where said simple, linear explanation is the inarguable truth, and everyone moves on without actually talking about what really happened. This happens all the time, with big events and with small events. Now, the firing of a football coach is a decidedly small event in the grand scheme of things, but that doesn't mean that I'm not annoyed and pissed off by how retarded the storyline that has been thrown out there happens to be.

Apparently, Rod Marinelli is a good, honest, hard working man who, given a decent situation with at least a modicum of talent can be a heckuva football coach. But, unfortunately for poor Rod, he was placed in an impossible situation in Detroit. for goodness' sake, even Vince Lombardi combined with Don Shula, Bill Walsh and Jesus would have lost with this team! Poor Rod, it's too bad he had to take the fall for what went on.

Oh, just fuck right on off with that weak ass bullshit. Good God. Has everyone gone retarded? Rod Marinelli might be the single biggest reason why this team went from bad to historically awful, why they were toiling in mediocrity one season and were ushering in the apocalypse the next.

Now I know that everyone wants to blame Matt Millen, and yeah, fuck that dude. He was a horrible, horrible general manager and with him at the helm the Lions were never going to go anywhere. And when everyone is done blaming Millen they want to blame the Fords for keeping Millen for so long and for not bringing in a dynamic new personnel guy like that caveman looking dude in Atlanta. That's cool, the Fords are horrible owners, and their history of letting shitty executives hang around is abominable. But the Fords and Matt Millen combined to produce a team that was going to go 5-11 or 6-10 every year. The Lions went 0-16, and I don't think people truly understand what a quantum leap that really is. 5-11 and 6-10 every year is a painfully bad team, a franchise who aspire to mere mediocrity, easily forgotten and dismissed. 0-16 is the WORST TEAM IN HISTORY, a team who everyone remembers, and will remember FOREVER. They are not just bad, they are the Hitler of NFL teams. That is how bad these turds are in comparison to everyone else. The past decade they have just been the incompetent petty banana republic dictator who everyone laughs about and then forgets once he is killed by some ambitious army colonel. This year they became something awful, something so odious that no one who follows football will ever forget. That is how godawful they are this year: THEY HAVE ME YAMMERING ON ABOUT DICTATORS, NAZIS AND HITLER FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

So, you'll forgive me if I don't forget that Rod Marinelli was the head coach for a team that went 7-9 last year, started 6-2 and had a legit shot at the playoffs for the majority of the season, only to go 0-16 the next season. Last season, the Lions had a prolific offense and a porous defense. The offense could keep them competitive, even if it wasn't the most efficient, and the defense, while bad, could still come up with the occasional big play, due largely to the team's one blue chip defender, Shaun Rogers. The Lions absolutely beat the shit out of Denver last year using this formula and managed to beat six other teams as well and probably should have won at least a couple of more games. They weren't good, but there was something there to build off of at least. But because they did better than they have at any other time in this woeful decade, Rod Marinelli earned himself some credibility and the right to reshape the team more in his image.

So out went the freewheeling passing attack of Mike Martz that was the one thing the Lions were good at. They could throw the ball and they could score. But, you see, according to Marinelli that wasn't the right way to win. No, you had to run the ball and control the clock. Never mind that going into the season the Lions' offensive line was as bad as it's always been and that the Lions lacked a single running back who wasn't a rookie or an underwear thief, they were going to play some hard nosed, smash mouth football damn it, because that's how you do things in Rod Marinelli's world.

Also out was big Shaun Rogers. Yeah, Shaun was lazy, and was kind of a degenerate but he was also the only player on the defense worth a damn. But he didn't carry that lunch pail that Rod Marinelli wanted and so he was out even though the Lions didn't have anybody to replace him, with the exception of a wildly overpaid player who had played about a half dozen good games in his career and a cast of retreads and career backups. But never mind that shit! No, the Lions needed to be a bunch of no nonsense hard workers. Talent? Pssh, that shit's for flash in the pan hotdoggers. You'll never win with that.

So, the one thing the Lions had going for them on offense and the one thing they had going for them on defense were both suddenly gone, leaving them with . . . well, leaving them with 0-16. And both decisions are ones that can be laid right at the feet of Rod Marinelli.

He is a good man, and really, who gives a shit? He does a job where he goes out and screams at a bunch of millionaires and poor, weekend warrior referees every weekend. His job includes making people run and telling people to hit some other people all so they can win a game. What part of that has anything to do with being a good man? You either win or you lose and that's all there is. Rod Marinelli believed in his system and his system was a failure. That's just the way it is. The blame is his and that's also the way it is. If you want to be given credit for being a good man go work with children or the homeless. Change somebody's life for the better. But last time I checked no one was patting Jimmy Johnson on the back for being a kind and profoundly decent man. No one is waxing poetic about Bill Belichick and the dignity with which he lives his life. Because it doesn't matter, not in the NFL. 0-16. That matters. And that's the only storyline anyone should care about here.

Shut the hell up, Lovie

Bears prepare to retool, not rebuild heading into offseason.

That's the current headline at chicagobears.com, the website of my discontent. And coach Smith's post-game comments therein are the stuff of self-delusion legend. Let's face it, winning season or not, 2008 was a miniature disaster for this team. Sure, we found our guy at running back, but we took giant steps backward in almost every other aspect of the game. The defense fell apart, the passing game fell apart even by Chicago Bears standards, the return game fell apart, and most of the core of veteran players this team has been based on for the last decade - yup - fell apart.

And yet Lovie Smith thinks we're almost there.

“When you’re 9-7, you’re close,” Smith said following the 31-24 loss to the Texans. “You don’t need an overhaul. You just need to add a few pieces to the puzzle, and that’s what we’ll do.”

A few pieces? A few fucking pieces? You moron, "a few pieces" isn't a description for what's missing; hell, it barely describes what's in place right now. What do we have that we can build on right now? I'll tell you: A running back, a tight end, a kicker, a punter, a long-snapper, and one outside linebacker. That's about it. On defense, Mike Brown, Tommie Harris, Dusty Dvoracek, and Nathan Vasher can't be counted because of injury concerns, Brian Urlacher and Adewale Ogunleye both aged fifteen years in the off season, and Alex Brown and Charles Tillman both just fucking sucked most of the time. And how about the offense, Lovie?

“Did we do enough offensively throughout the year?” Smith said. “No—again, just like the rest of our football team—but I think the arrow is pointed in the right direction. I like the core that we can build on.”

And what core would this be? You got a running back and a tight end that you should be set with for a while. After that, you only need a new quarterback, a new fullback, at least two new wide receivers, and anywhere between two and five new starting offensive linemen. Sounds like the right direction to me~!

From that point on, he drifted off into a litany of delusional double-talk, with this being the real gem:

“Are we going to change schemes, throw out everything that we’ve established here?” Smith said. “No, we’re not. We’re going to do it better. We’ll look and evaluate everything in our program: coaches, players, schemes. Everything that we’re doing, we’ll evaluate it and go from there. We were close—one game away from the playoffs—so we need to just add a little bit more, and that’s what we’ll look to do.”

I'm sorry, skippy, but you threw out everything you had established here when you fired half your real assistants and replaced people like Ron Rivera with people like Bob Babich. And if the scheme is broken and you refuse to fix it (or even alter it slightly, as was the case all season long) doing it better won't matter one bit. A defensive game plan that's essentially optimized for giving up 8-10 yards on every pass play and an offense based on runs up the middle and seemingly designed to exclude wide receivers from the passing game is still going to fall on its ass, even if it's executed goddamn flawlessly. If Lovie ever actually evaluated anything, he'd see that the first two sentences of his quote up there were absolutely bat shit insane and/or full-on retarded.

Summing up: Lovie Smith is too full of his own bullshit to be useful anymore, and this team isn't "close" or anything resembling any form of "close." The airplane has hit the mountain, and this fucknut expects to fix it with some popsicle sticks and rubber cement. I'm pissed at football, and it's gonna be a long time and at least one coaching change before this team gets good enough again for me to be able to find team merchandise somewhere other than the Internet.

And the hurting never stops.

Rebuilding... AGAIN

So, things didn't exactly go as planned. Deangelo Hall was a bust. Javon Walker was a bust. Tommy Kelly did nothing to earn his contract. Justin Fargas and Darren Mcfadden could not stay healthy. JaMarcus Russell had some games where he looked like he had never thrown a football before. Robert Gallery continued to be Robert Gallery. Lane Kiffin got shit canned at midseason and was replaced by a life long assistant. In short, it was a typical season in Raiderland. And while this season was most certainly one massive kick to the balls after another, even a jaded cynic like myself can see that there were several positives. Throughout the following weeks I am going to break down the entire Raiders season, position by position, player by player. My teams sucks shit, yet I still press on. That is, in essence, what the Armchair Linebacker mentality is all about. I encourage all of my Armchair cohorts to follow suit. This past season has been one of the more interesting seasons ever, at least in my view. Let us keep this thing rolling all the way up to the draft. Peace and all that.

NOT DEAD, MOTHERFUCKERS

Just... Sleeping. Oh god.

YAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

ps. my condolences neil ;_;

pps. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

Diary of Infinite Pain

Okay, so I figured that it might be interesting to do a sort of diary/running commentary on today’s historic game. It might turn out to be an epic disaster but it might be entertaining for you jackals to share my misery on a more immediate level than normal.

12:34: I usually don’t watch the pre-game shows, as I desire my sanity, but for some reason here I am today, watching this bullshit. Terry Bradshaw is doing his Terry Awards. DeMarcus Ware says he would murder Terry if he still played, Troy Polamalu sounds shockingly, uh, I don’t wanna say womanish, but…well, and James Harrison doesn’t give a fuck. Meanwhile, Tony Dungy says he’ll have an orange juice. God, could there be a more boring coach? I bet Belichik would celebrate by murdering a pair of hookers and then drinking their blood. Also, Terry Bradshaw just said hi to his mom in the Louisiana State Pen. And I’m not sure whether he was being serious or just making a bizarre joke. It was weird.

12:38: They just showed a montage of teams around the league getting hyped up in the huddle, and when they showed the Packers, they broke their huddle by shouting 0-16. Those fuckers. That is just brutally cruel.

12:42: They are talking about the Cowboys now, and they just showed a highlight of Jimmy Johnson getting beaned by a snowball and a battery in Philly. Everyone laughed.

12:43: I just want to say that I hope the Cowboys lose just because the Lions get their first round pick. Also, because fuck the Cowboys.

12:45: Jay Glazer just said Rod Marinelli will probably be fired, which should be a no brainer, but unfortunately, well who the hell knows what the Fords will decide to do, especially since Old Man Ford has already said the front office is safe.

12:46: Oh God, they are gonna show the best of Frank Caliendo. I am muting this shit. They did say that Frank will still be around for a couple more years and everyone in the studio moaned.

12:49: Curt just made a dumb joke and everyone treated him like the village idiot, which is pretty bad when Terry Bradshaw is sitting right next to him.

12:52: Jimmy Johnson is talking about playoff preparation. Playoffs? What is that? Okay, that’s not fair, the Lions were only ten wins away or so from a Wild Card spot. So close!

12:54: The game is only minutes away from starting and it kinda feels like we are only moments away from the prison guard opening the cell door and saying it’s time to a death row inmate.

12:55: By the way, I have a cold, which makes this whole thing that much more awful.

12:56: Chris Rose and John Lynch are the announcers. Chris Rose is pretty okay, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard John Lynch announce. I didn’t even know he was retired yet. Lynch just said the Lions need to get the ball to Calvin Johnson, and, well, yeah.

12:58: It looks cold, but not too cold, which is okay I suppose.

1:01: There is something especially cruel about making us put up with commercials from Ford.

1:05: Okay, it does look pretty cold. At least it’s not snowing. 22 degrees, with a wind chill of 10.

1:07: Jesus, Jordy Nelson just returned the opening kick into Lions territory. Hey, just like last week. But we came back in that game, and…oh, oh God, that’s right, I remember now. SHIT.

1:09: Chris Rose just said the Lions problems have been in the secondary. No Chris, the Lions problems cannot be laid on one group.

1:10: Aaron Rodgers just had one of those weird fumbles where it flies out of his hand backwards setting up a 2nd and 34 which is something I guess.

1:11: The Packers pussed out and did a handoff draw on 3rd and 20. Oh shit, they’re going for it on 4th and 12.

1:12: The Lions managed to stop Donald Driver about three yards short of the first down. That was a weird first series for the Packers. But hey, what the hell, at least they didn’t score. Small miracles and all that I suppose.

1:14: Two runs from Kevin Smith set up 3rd and 6, but of course the Lions can’t convert. Orlovsky’s arm looked pretty good on the incompletion though, so hey, there is that.

1:15: Will Blackmon runs all over the place and dodges a bunch of dudes on the punt return just to pick up one yard.

1:17: Man, when did Tim Roth start to look so old?

1:18: John Lynch just said the word pocket about 12 times and by the end the word was like a tongue twister to him.

1:19: Oh Jesus. Deshawn Wynn just had a 73 yard touchdown run down the sideline. It was just a simple pitch, the Packers set up a wall and the Lions defense looked slow and stupid. BIG SHOCKER THERE.

1:20: Oh man, so Clint Eastwood’s new movie is about him being basically a geriatric Dirty Harry? Okay, cool.
1:21: Even the creepy Fox robot seems depressed. I don’t blame you dude.

1:22: Rod Marinelli looks confused. It won’t be the last time today I am sure.

1:23: Man, I hate it when they go to commercial, come back, run the kickoff and then go back to more commercials. What the hell is that weak ass shit?

1:24: Oh man, this thing is going to be a monster. I wonder what the word count will end up being.

1:25: Orlovsky was almost intercepted on a deep ball.

1:26: Damn it. Orlovsky just got sacked on 3rd on 4. Coverage sack and Orlovsky couldn’t get out in time.

1:27: Chris Rose just said “What fun is 15-0?” while talking about Marinelli’s motivational skills. You dumb bastard, that is just mean. IT’S A WHOLE LOT MORE FUN THAN 0-15 YOU ASS.

1:29: Oh man, Greg Jennings just dropped a deep pass. He had Leigh Bodden burned too. He dropped one earlier too.

1:30: Oh hey, Ernie Sims just made a play against the run. I wish that would have been there all year.

1:31: Another drop by a Packers receiver. Ruvell Martin was wide open too. I guess we will take it.

1:32: Total Yards: Packers 97, Lions 6. Yup.

1:32: Damn it. Now Calvin Johnson is dropping passes. 3rd and 8.

1:33: Casey Fitzsimmons caught one, but it looks like he is about half a yard short. They are near midfield though, so maybe they’ll go for it. Yup, they are.

1:34: It looks like they pick it up, but it turns out the Lions called timeout before the play. Of course. And Marinelli is bitching at the ref. Who knows what the hell about.

1:36: Kevin Smith picks up the first down. Of course, Orlovsky throws an interception on the very next play. For fuck’s sake. He just overthrew Calvin Johnson and put it right in Charles Woodson’s hands.

1:37: Oh man, Donald Driver just got the ball down inside the Lions 25.

1:38: 20 yard run by Ryan Grant down inside the 5. Shit. This is already getting bad.

1:39: The Packers have an injured man. It’s Scott Wells, their center. Of course that means more commercials. Joy.

1:41: Jennings just dropped another one at the goal line. Tough ball to catch, but he still should have had it.

1:42: Touchdown, Packers. A little fade to Jermichael Finley. Packers are up 14-0 and this shit is looking bad.

1:44: It’s weird. The Packers are probably the best team in the NFC North but they are only 5-10. I would take them against either the Vikings or the Bears.

1:45: It’s windy enough that the Packers have to do that thing on the kickoff where a dude holds the ball because it won’t stay on the tee.

1:46: Kevin Smith is making a run at 1,000 yards in this game, but I don’t think he’s gonna get it. He needs a little over 100 yards and they are already down by 14. I think they’ll be forced to air it out. Poor dude, he is one of only a couple of guys who I want to still be around next year.

1:47: Al Harris just slapped around Gosder Cherilus, drawing a personal foul, but man, that was embarrassing for Cherilus. He just got his ass kicked by a little dude. Lennie Small would never let that happen. I’m just saying.

1:50: Well, the first quarter is in the books, and well, it could have gone better.

1:51: The announcers are making fun of Cherilus now.

1:52: Total yardage for the first quarter: Packers 138, Lions 29. It’s a Lions game, that is for sure.

1:53: By the way, I am not spellchecking or factchecking or checking anything here, so forgive any dumb mistakes please.

1:54: Orlovsky was almost picked again. 4th down, they are in Packers territory, but they’re going for it again. Complete to Keary Colbert for the first down. Hey, how about that.

1:56: Uh oh LB, the Vikings are up 10-0 on the Giants.

1:57: 1st and goal, and Kevin Smith gets dropped for a loss.

1:58: Orlovsky throws it away and gets drilled. He’s up though. I think Calvin Johnson ran the wrong route.

1:59: Orlovsky to Calvin Johnson on a fade route on 3rd and goal. TOUCHDOWN! He barely got his feet in. Man, I love Calvin Johnson.

1:59: I’m kinda surprised that the Packers didn’t challenge that. I’m glad they didn’t though. Not because I think that it would have been overturned but because that shit takes forever. 14-7 Packers. Come on you turds.

2:02: Kickoff is a roller that squibs around and the Lions tackle Will Blackmon inside his own ten. Hey, good job dudes. And damn it, another one of those 1 play and back to commercials deals.

2:05: Man, I know Aaron Rodgers has gotten some shit because he isn’t Brett Favre and the Packers have disappointed this season, but he’s got a shot at 4,000 yards and in the two games against the Lions he has looked like Johnny Unitas combined with Jesus and Moses. I know, I know, it is the Lions, but still.

2:07: Damn it, the Packers have already gotten the ball inside Lions territory. Way to step up defense.

2:08: 3rd and about 2 coming up. The pitch play has worked well for the Packers so far. Oh shit, another drop for the Packers. Finley had his man beat and dropped it. They want a flag but aren’t gonna get it. Will they go for it? No, they’re punting. Pussies. The punt lands inside the ten though so maybe it was a good decision. Nah, they should have gone for it.

2:11: Oh man, Jack Bauer being grilled by Clarence Boddicker.

2:12: Jesus. The Lions can’t even complete a one yard slant. In fact, Orlovsky was almost picked again.

213: 3rd and 2, and Smith picks it up. He’s almost half way to 100 so maybe he’ll get to a thousand after all.

2:13: Quick hitch to Calvin for six yards. Good. Get him the damn ball. Of course, Smith is buried for a loss on the next play. Kampman and Woodson on the blitz put him down as soon as he got the ball.

2:14: 3rd and 8 and YES. Calvin Johnson with the catch and run for 36 yards. He makes it look so easy. 6’5”, 4.3 speed, what a freak.

2:15: Oh man, Marinelli’s record as a head coach: 10-37. Yeah, he deserves one more year. Jesus.

2:16: 3rd and ten. Damn it. Colbert drops one. Good throw by Orlovsky too. Punt is downed at the five. Adam Jennings just kept it from going into the endzone. Otherwise it would have been a touchback and only a 20 yard net punt.

2:18: Greg Jennings finally catches one at the 30. Damn it all.

2:19: Rodgers is flushed out of the pocket, and they call holding. Pretty obvious hold too.

2:20: Two minute warning is here and the Lions are still in it. Come on you bastards.

2:21: Apparently Taco Bell could only afford Darryl Dawkins and Vlade Divac for their commercial. At that point why bother? I mean, what, was Roy Tarpley too expensive?

2:23: Cliff Avril with the sack on 2nd and long. Avril has looked pretty decent as a rookie, so maybe he can be kept from the massacre that needs to happen after the season.

2:24: They stop the Packers and what the fuck? Marinelli doesn’t call a timeout. God damn it, now the Lions get the ball inside the fifteen with 22 seconds left. What the hell? Jesus, what a shitty coach. He should be fired at halftime. Just leave his shit in a box outside the locker room and have security escort him out. Give them a few extra bucks to rough him up while they are at. What an enormous turd. Idiot. BUT HE’S A GOOD MAN AND EVERYONE LOVES HIM. Who cares? Shut up.

2:27: Of for God’s sake, now the Lions have to punt the ball. The Packers used all 3 of their time outs and the Lions only ran 15 seconds off the clock.

2:28: Halftime. 14-7 Packers. At least they are still in it. Oh wait, what the fuck? Oh man, because the Packers signaled a fair kick they get a free kick. It would be a 69 yard field goal. Oh shit, are they actually gonna try this? I guess they are. Oh shit, he almost made it. That would have been ridiculous.

2:41: Oh God, it’s that asshole Frank Caliendo again. Does anyone like him? I mean, anyone at all? He must know it too. I bet he goes home every night and sticks his head in the toilet to try to drown himself.

2:44: So, the Lions had the ball slightly longer than the Packers in the first half but the Packers have almost twice as much yardage. How does that happen?

2:45: Opening kick of the half goes out of bounds so the Lions get the ball at the 40. John Lynch has taken off his shirt and is now in just a tee-shirt flexing his guns. I am completely serious. What the fuck?

2:47: 3rd and 2. Complete to Calvin Johnson for about 6 or 7. First down.

2:48: Kevin Smith with a 20 yard run but there are a shit load of flags on the play. Holding on the Lions. Of course. But it was down field so it’s 1st and 9 instead of 1st and 20.

2:50: Incomplete on a deep ball. Both Calvin Johnson and Al Harris fell down and everyone went crazy. It was uncatchable.

2:51: 3rd and 5 and…incomplete. Shit. They are inside the Packers 40 but they are punting. Pussies. Ball is fair caught at the nine.

2:53: Packers fumble. Fuck yeah! Lions recover, and....awww shit, they are challenging it. Looks like a fumble to me. Dude landed on his head but the ball was coming loose before he hit. YES. Play stands. Lions get the ball 1st and 10 at the 11.

2:55: Calvin Johnson...TOUCHDOWN! YES! We are tied.

3:02: Damn it all. My laptop's battery died, so this might be a little spotty from here on out. I am sorry. I have failed you.

3:03: Shit. The Lions had the Packers stopped but Greg Jennings caught it for 47 yards.

3:04: FIGHT! Some pushing and shoving. No penalties. Ummm, okay.

3:04: 3rd and 10 for the Packers at the Lions 33. Incomplete to Donald Lee.

3:05: 4th and 10 and it looks like they are going for it. YES. Incomplete. NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Ramzee Robinson, you dumb asshole. JESUS CHRIST. That dumb shit just got flagged for a taunting call.

3:07: Oh okay, good. Whew. They said it was post possession so the Lions still get the ball.

3:08: I can't believe we have a shot still. Oh man oh man oh man.

3:09: Ed Hochuli and his guns call holding on the Packers defense on a defensive lineman. Weird. First down Lions.

3:10: First down to Calvin Johnson to the Lions 40. Kevin Smith has carried the ball 25 times already by the way.

3:11: Damn it. John Owens drops one that would have moved the ball into Packers territory.

3:11: 3rd and 8. Orlovsky with a horrible pass, overthrown and almost intercepted. Lions will have to punt. Damn it. Come on you assholes. Punt is a touchback. Man...

3:15: Dudes and lady dudes, this shit is TENSE.

3:15: Damn it. OH WHAT THE FUCK??? Ryan Grant had a twenty yard run and then went down. He got up and ran for a touchdown and the refs said he fell on another dude and was never down. Man, it looked like he was down. Marinelli is challenging it. Good. Fuck, this better come back.

3:17: Hey L.B., the Vikings are losing now, so you' ve still got a shot. If the Bears get into the playoffs, the NFC North will officially be a complete and utter embarrassment this season.

3:19: Oh man, thank you thank you thank you. The play was overturned and the Packers have a first down back at their own 40. I might have caught a boat across Lake Michigan and killed everyone in Wisconsin if that play would have stood.

3:21: Packers fake that toss that has worked so well and throw a slant for a first down inside Lions territory. The Packers are marching and it's not looking so good.

3:22: Grant with a first down inside the 35. Shit.

3:23: Donald Lee with a catch inside the 15, and...no, they are calling it incomplete after the refs talk it over. He was juggling it and the ball came loose when he got hit by Kalvin Pearson.

3:25: 3rd and about 2 for the Packers. Damn it. Rodgers with a five yard pass to James Jones for the first down. End of the third quarter, game is tied, and holy shit, these assholes better pull it together and fast.

3:28: Rodgers gets sacked by Langston Moore. Oh Langston Moore, you are my second favorite Langston.

3:29: Incomplete and Greg Jennings is bitching. Shut up.

3:30: 3rd and 11. Catch by Greg Jennings but he is caught short of the first down by Kalvin Pearson. I'll have to give Pearson credit, he is playing pretty well today.

3:31: Mason Crosby with the field goal. 17-14 Packers.

3:31: Dennis Leary is hawking Fords now. Someone should make him and John Mellencamp fight to the death. Loser gets killed obviously, winner is beaten to death anyway.

3:33: The creepy FOX robot looks depressed again. Poor son of a bitch.

3:34: Come on you assholes.

3:35: This is a two man offense. Kevin Smith runs the ball, Calvin Johnson catches it. No one else does anything.

3:36: Orlovsky overthrows Calvin again. Orlovsky doesn't look very good. Big surprise there.

3:36: 3rd and 7. Ball is tipped, incomplete. Damn it. Punt taken by Will Blackmon who takes it up to his own 47. Shit. This isn't looking good.

3:37: Is it weird to anyone else that Gene Hackman narrates the commercials for Lowes? That is Gene Hackman right? If it isn't, someone is doing a hell of an impression.

3:38: I think there have been roughly a billion American Idol commercials during the game. By the way, I typed this just before another American Idol commercial came on. I knew it was coming.

3:39: Shit. Ryan Grant with a nice run, Ernie Sims gets called for a late hit. Oh man, we are going to lose after all. Again. Aren't we?

3:39: And now Chris Rose is giving John Lynch shit for being a dirty player. A little awkward.

3:41: Packers have a first down inside the twenty and shit's about to get desperate.

3:42: Complete to Greg Jennings. First and goal. Jesus.

3:43: They have to hold them to a field goal here or we are pretty much fucked.

3:43: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Touchdown Packers, 8:30 minutes left, and the Packers are up 24-14. 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16, 0-16. Here we go.

3:46: This is so depressing.

3:47: Standeford with a juggling catch inside Packers territory. Come on you shitburgers.

3:49: Oh shit, Orlovsky almost gets sacked but manages to find Standeford wide open inside the ten.

3:50: Kevin motherfucking Smith! Touchdown run, and holy shit we've still got a chance. 24-21, Packers.

3:53: They are talking about the Joe Barry thing now, and please just shut up.

3:53: Oh man, L.B., I am sorry. Poor Bears fans. I guess it will be the Vikings who back into the playoffs.

3:54: kxjhvlijsfvkjlns;efbvs;bp;opsbosgbgb[k[gb'[rngn,,dn

3:54: FUCK. Donald Driver with a 71 yard touchdown catch. Hope, you cruel bastard, why must you taunt me? 31-21 Packers with 7 minutes left.

3:56: Shameful. Just a shameful season.

3:57: Man, Calvin Johnson is a beast. He caught a, I dunno, I'll say a six yarder and just dragged everyone for the first down.

3:58: They are dinking and dunking now, but they're gonna run out of time. Come on, come on, come on.

3:59: Orlovsky is too sloppy for this too. Eventually he will make a mistake, like he just did by throwing it behind Calvin Johnson.

4:00: 3rd down, and shit, Jerome Felton with a catch but he's taken down short of the first.

4:01: 4th and 4, and they're going for it. First down catch by Standeford. Where did he come from?

4:01: They are moving it, but there are only 4 and a half minutes left and they are down by ten.

4:02: 3rd and 4 and what the fuck was that? Orlovsky throws a wobbler way over the head of Casey Fitzsimmons out of bounds. Maybe his thumb is bothering him in the cold.

4:03: 4th down and shit, they should kick the field goal and cut the lead to seven now. But they're going for it, and...Calvin Johnson makes the catch at the marker. First down, but he is shaken up. Okay good, now he is walking off under his own power. Time is running out. Under 4 minutes left.

4:04: Screen to Kevin Smith, and...shit, he loses yardage. At least he got out of bounds. There is a flag though. Oh for fuck's sake. Unsportsmanlike conduct on Smith for throwing the ball in the face of a Packer. FUCK.

4:06: 2nd and 29 back at midfield. Incomplete pass to Colbert.

4:06: 3rd and 29. Smith fucked them with that penalty. Damn it.

4:07: Jesus. A one yard pass to Felton. 4th and 28. This is it.

4:08: Sigh. Orlovsky throws it up and is intercepted by Nick Collins who returns it from the goal line down into Lions territory. There is a flag though. Block in the back on the interception return. Big damn deal. Packers get the ball with only a few minutes left. This shit is over.

4:09: Some of the Packers fans are chanting 0-16 now, which is pretty fucking terrible. The Lions deserve it though.

4:10: And now the announcers are talking about the dudes like Jeff Backus who have been there for the whole Matt Millen debacle. This is awful. Just horrible.

4:10: Oh hey, guess what? Apparently Rod Marinelli respects the game and is a good man. Well shit, coach of the year I guess. Get the fuck outta here.

4:11: Deshawn Wynn fumbles and the Lions say they recovered. This is almost cruel.

4:12: Packers have it, and the fans are chanting again. We have suffered enough damn it. Apparently we went 0-16. Thank you gentle Packer fans for that reminder.

4:13: Two minute warning and the Lions are in their final death spasms. It is almost over. This turd, this abomination, of a season is almost finished for us. It has been...something.

4:15: Packers are running the clock out and Jesus I just want this to be over with. Unsportsmanlike penalty on the Packers. Why not?

4:16: Both Deshawn Wynn and Ryan Grant had over 100 yards today. A fitting end by this horror show of a defense.

4:17: The Packers take a knee and the Lions all look depressed. Join the club.

4:18: 0-16.

Seriously???

You have to root for the home team on occasion, but someone needs to revoke The Tennessean's membership from the Associated Press. The votes for AP male athlete of the year are in, and the results are as follows:

Michael Phelps 172
Usain Bolt 5
Eli Manning 4
Cristiano Ronaldo 1
Michael Beasley 1
Bode Miller 1
Kobe Bryant 1
Tiger Woods 1
Kerry Collins 1

In what universe does Kerry Collins deserve a vote in that poll? AP male athlete of the year? I'm a Titans fan and I think that result is stupid. It is beyond stupid. It is like voting for Cynthia McKinney or Bob Barr for president.

Let's break those results down. Phelps...yeah, he kind of dominated that whole Olympics thing. Hands down deserved the nod here. Bolt had a helluva run for sure. His five votes probably came from people who were (rightly) tired of seeing that AT+T commercial where the cute-but-not-hot girl goes nuts about missing his appearance at Books a Million and urges us all to change cell phone providers. Eli Manning won the Super Bowl over that overrated model-banger who won the award last year. Michael Beasley is DeMarcus Beasley's brother. Christiano Ronaldo is the current English diving champion, so that makes sense for the AP sportswriter trying to stress his international cred. Bode Miller skis, so he gets the vote from Aspen. Kobe Bryant didn't get arrested for rape this year, an accomplishment surely worth a vote. Tiger Woods has a good video game.

But Kerry Collins? He isn't even the best quarterback on his own team, truth be told. How does he qualify for an Athlete of the Year vote? This is like the guy who votes for Notre Dame as the number one rated team in the first AP poll of every season. When Collins retires next year and goes to audition for an ESPN studio gig, he should put that fact on his resume. It will put him above Jesse "The Bachelor" Palmer.

Yeah, this post rambles and doesn't have a coherent argument. But I'm tired, so sue me.

Well, Here We Are

If you would have told Lions fans that going into the last weekend of the season they would be approaching the game like it was the Super Bowl they would have been ecstatic. After all, that must mean there is something still left to play for, right? Well. . .

It's been a long season. A long tiresome season, and now here we are at the end, facing down the worst thing a team can possibly face. 0-16. It is almost inconceivable. No team has ever gotten this close to those infamous numbers and no group of fans has been in this place before. It has been a long season, but it has been an even longer decade, and really, for most of us, it has been a longer lifetime. Being a Lions fans comes with no rewards, just the distinct and all too familiar stink of failure. When I first started rooting for the Lions as a little kid, they were bad. And not much has changed. Sure, there was the brief 90's oasis when Barry Sanders carried them to the cusp of respectability, but even then there was an ominous air of certain disaster which always hovered just on the periphery. We knew, even when things were going well that we were only moments away from it all falling apart. Watching playoff games knowing that in the end our Lions would stumble off the field, heads down while the other team celebrated, epitomized what it was like to root for those teams. They were okay, but they were never great. They were pretenders and we all knew it. We waited with clenched teeth for the bottom to drop out and when Barry Sanders tearfully walked away from the game, sick of the losing, sick of the never ending mediocrity, and when Matt Millen was given the keys to the kingdom, that bottom dropped and it dropped in ways we never thought imaginable.

This decade has been one of never ending misery. Every season begins and ends the same, with the knowledge that 4-12 is in the cards, 6-10 is a luxury and 7-9 is a miracle. And that miracle came last year, a 7-9 season that served as the high water mark for this atrocity of a franchise in this horrible decade. But even that high water mark was a disaster as the team went 1-7 down the stretch and sent themselves spiraling into this...this horrible thing.

We always hoped though. Every year, we always hoped that what we knew to be true could somehow be overcome, that this was the year that all that poison and all the misery would just disappear and we would watch our boys scamper towards the dream season that it seems like just about everyone else gets at least once. But it never comes. And now we find ourselves hoping against hope that we can get one lousy win. It is almost a perverse mockery of everything we have gone through as fans over the years. We have hoped and we have wondered what it would be like to finally break through, and we have done these things for so long only to find ourselves staring at something that has never happened before and now we have to hope one last time, not for glory or for that dream season but for one tiny scrap of dignity.

For us, the Super Bowl that we have always dreamed about is this Sunday. And that is the saddest and most damning thing I could possibly say to explain what it is like to be a Lions fan. There are no championships for us at the end of this long, dark road. There is no glory, no cheers, just a desperate hope that we can avoid the very bottom of a hole we have been falling down for fifty years. We always wondered where the bottom was, and well, here it is.

The game itself is not something any of us want to look at. The Lions haven't won at Lambeau since 1991. And it's December, which is just one more slap in the face to our crippled psyche. We are horrible against Green Bay on the road, and we are even worse when it's cold. Add in the memories of Aaron Rodgers abusing our defense earlier this season and the 48 points they put up on us at home and the outcome of Sunday's game couldn't be more clear.

There is no reasoned analysis to be had here, no ifs or maybes, just a desperate hope that we can somehow avoid the inevitable. We have hoped a lot over the years and we have never had that hope rewarded. But here we are again, hoping one last time against hope.

(Insert bad 49er mustache joke)

pictured above, former 49er Safety Tom Holmoe at the '84 "Super Bowl" parade...
"It's for the throwback game. Every day we go to meetings and we go by these beautiful pictures and we admire these guys' mustaches." -Shaun Hill

Slow news week in the Bay apparently, with the mustache tribute getting more press than the only successful Yay area team (the Sharks, of course).

The frivolity of facial hair wouldn't have mattered if not for Shaun Hill waking up in the 4th to just sneak by the Rams. Lose to the Rams, and the fun and games would not even be a consideration. Did you know Sports Illustrated rated the 9ers/Rams as the 8th best rivalry in the NFL? That's crazy, not because I don't think Niners-Rams is a rivalry but that it's the eighth best. I mean I wasn't around for the Kezar Stadium days but post-1980 if you had to list a top 10 Rams-Niners rivalry moments there would be a good chance that moment one time when NFL Films had Dana Stubblefield walking to the sidelines after a 3-and-out, laughing while telling his teammates they were the "Same old Rams" which is funny and bulletin board material but should in no way sniff a top 10 moments in the 8th-best rivalry in the NFL.

I'm sure the Cowboys think differently because they have the Skins/Eagles/Giants to deal with (Cox am I right in my assumption?), but my childhood rivalry will always be 49ers-Cowboys.


This week, our last game is against a real Cowboy rival the Redskins. I hope we win, but more importantly I hope Jed York or whomever is standing next to Singletary the moment 0:00 hits in the fourth quarter and just hands him a contract to sign. There will be more than enough head coaching opportunities for Sing in the offseason if we don't re-sign him -- and thankfully Cowher, Schottenheimer (and probably someone dumb enough to sign Norv) are keeping everyone busy for us to grab Samurai Mike and build upon the last half of this season.

Singletary had a meeting with ownership earlier this week and the buzz is they liked what they heard and they're probably firing Snagglepuss Martz at the end of the season, which is good news because although his play-calling has been much more in line with our personnel lately one can't help but think how that FUCKING last 30 seconds of the Cardinals MNF game might have changed this week's team from "those whacky 49ers with their mustaches and pants-dropping coach" to "those whacky 49ers with mustaches and pants-dropping coach with a shot at stealing the NFC West."

Things are bright-as-fuck with Singletary at the helm. It almost feels like one of those "Major League" sad-sack franchise comeback movies. You get apathetic head coach Nolan replaced by fiery Singletary, who chews out VD and kicks him out of the sideline the first week. The team turns things around, beating the Bills on the road and the Jets in consecutive weeks and then last week Singletary kept Hill on the field after an abysmal first three quarters because he "saw a look in his eyes". The only way this would be definitely made for Hollywood would be if we traded Vernon Davis to Washington, run into the Skins at a bar and brawl after they disrespected us to set up the last game of the season. It's almost inspiring because if any other 6-9 team decided to uniformly grow mustaches for their throwback uniforms I'd roll my eyes and wish they'd focus more on making plays and studying the playbook, but with this team I'm just amped as fuck to see those goofy bastards play one last time this year.
****

I hope Gore gets those 22 yards for his third consecutive 1,000-yard season and I will miss Joe Starkey who's last game is this week doing play-by-play for 49er radio. Starkey is best known for his call in the Stanford/Cal Big Game when the Bears won with "The Play".

Go Patriots! Go Jets?

God decided to give the New England Patriots a break last Sunday. Seeing as how they'd be playing for their proverbial playoff lives at home versus the potent passing offense of the Arizona Cardinals He decided to hit the area with a snowstorm and more than a foot of snow. The Cardinals passing offense was fucked and since they don't have much of a rushing offense to speak of everything was coming up roses for the Pats. Once the game began it was evident that Kurt Warner was about t0 have a nightmare game as he could only manage a quick three and out. The Patriots promptly marched down the field and punched it in the end zone. I thought to myself "Hopefully, they can keep it up!". Sheeeeit!

The Patriots took advantage of the adverse weather conditions and orchestrated successful drive after successful drive against the ill prepared Arizona defense. Their (Arizona's) impotent offense made it all the more easy and the New England Patriots turned the game into a laugher by the end of the 1st quarter. Sam Cassel had one hell of a game by going 20-36 for a whopping 345 yards through the air when the other team couldn't even stay on the field. The Patriots dominated the time of possession by holding it for 38:35 to Arizona's 21:25. The score was 44-0 at the end of the 3rd quarter. The fans had one hell of a time in Gillette Stadium as they threw snow all around and some drunken asshole even tackled Junior Seau.

The game turned into a 47-7 mouthraping and that was just because Matt Leinart threw a touchdown in the 4th quarter. The Miami Dolphins managed to pull out a close one in Kansas City to stay atop the AFC East but the Jets took an L versus the Seattle Seahawks in Mike Holmgren's farewell game in Seattle. Now here comes an odd scenario, in order for the New England Patriots to make the postseason and avoid the embarrassment of being an 11-5 team that goes nowhere they have to finish off the Buffalo Bills @ 1PM on Dec. 28th and then watch the Miami Dolphins play the New York Jets...and hope that Brett Favre shows up. Patriots Nation will be rooting for the hated New York Jets en masse...scary thought.

I really hope that this season doesn't end for the Pats at around 8PM next Sunday because that would suck sooo fuckin' much. Provided that this season didn't turn out the way that I (or the majority of Patriots fans) hoped this team has persevered and showed some serious drive and determination despite losing many of it's key players and stars to injury. If Bill Belichick doesn't get some serious consideration in light of these facts then something is seriously wrong. I guess there's nothing left to say but "Let's go Jets!".

To make things even more retarded, if the Patriots win @ 1 PM the Jets can opt to tank the game versus the Dolphins to keep the Patriots out of the playoffs, in which case we'd all have to hope that the Baltimore Ravens drop their game against Jacksonville so they can be in the postseason. I'm gonna have the biggest fuckin' headache next Sunday...where the fuck is Chinballs?

One.

0-15

What is there left to say after something like what happened to the Lions on Sunday? That beat down by the Saints was epic in its totality and left Lions fans wondering how in the fuck they managed to find yet another circle of hell for us. Nine levels of hell? Whatever. Dante was full of shit. Lions fans know that there are infinite levels, and every week we meet a more ridiculous and grisly fate than the week before.

This week it was the never ending horror show of Drew Brees throwing and throwing and throwing in his bid to topple Dan Marino's single season yardage record, and JESUS CHRIST. Not only did the Lions fail to stop Brees, they apparently forgot that they were allowed to score too and ended up looking like the worst team in the NFL on both sides of the ball, which is probably appropriate considering the circumstances. I mean, why even bother to maintain a shred of hope going into next year? Just limp forward into your infamous fate and let everyone know that it was no accident. Everything sucks right now. Even when the Lions did something right, like on the touchdown strike to Calvin Johnson early in the game, it was called back because dumb shit Gosder Cherilus lined up wrong. I mean, what the fuck? Really? Even my man Lennie Small doesn't do that.

Honestly, the best part about the game, and by the best I of course mean the most ridiculous, was the crowd chanting Joey Harrington's name. Joey is now a third string quarterback for the Saints, but there is nothing more telling than how horrendous this season has been than that scene on Sunday. Jesus, it has gotten to the point where the Joey Harrington days seem like a golden age we remember with wistful fondness. How fucked up is that? Ah, the 5-11 days of yore, how we miss you. Someone find me an oven where I can rest my head.

Of course, everyone is all in a rage this week because some asshole reporter asked Rod Marinelli if he wished his daughter had married a better defensive coordinator. Outrageous! Yeah, not really. I mean, who cares? Yeah, the dude is kind of a dick, and no one likes him, he is a known horrible reporter, etc., but everyone seems to be forgetting that Joe Barry is a shitty defensive coordinator and everyone thought it was bullshit when he was hired since he is Marinelli's son in law. But good heavens! That rogue questioned the integrity of the right honorable Rod Marinelli! Who cares? I don't give a fuck if my team is coached by Attila the Hun so long as they win. I've never understood this need to fawn over the moral integrity of a stranger who makes his living screaming at sweaty men and old dudes who make extra money on the weekend by reffing. I don't know, maybe it was because I grew up worshipping Bill Laimbeer, Isiah Thomas, Rick Mahorn and Dennis Rodman. It could be that my experiences in this arena have warped me and left me callous to the travails of a profoundly decent man. And I'm sure he is, everyone loves him, and good for him, but he's a shitty football coach and really that's all I care about here.

Ford Field seems like the world's largest morgue this week. All the players look like they are on the verge of crying and vomiting all over the locker room, Marinelli seems like he is just exhausted, and there is the distinct air of impending doom hanging over the whole affair, like everyone expects and knows that imminent death awaits. The end is coming. We have known this for a while, but holy shit it is here now and it is fucking nasty and no one knew it would be like this. It is a strange and awful mix of desperation, sorrow and outright terror. The players know what's coming and they know that a week from now they'll be the worst team in NFL history and everyone will know it until they are old and gray. No matter what they do for the rest of their careers this season will hang over their heads, haunting them. Nothing they do will ever be able to erase that and that fucking sucks. And it's not that different for the fans either. No matter what this team does in the future, everyone will always remember that they went 0-16, and that stink of failure is not something that goes away. We have suffered through a lot as Lions fans, and we are tough as hell when it comes to this kind of shit, but this...this apocalyptic nightmare is something else entirely and you have no idea how terrible it is to be here. My franchise, the one that I tell people I love, is less than a week away from being forever tainted. It is a horrible thing. A horrible thing. And the worst part is that none of us know how awful it will even feel when it finally happens. As bad as it feels right now, it is probably nothing compared to how awful it will be after next week. My very first post on this blog was titled "Welcome to Hell". Well, here we are.

NOT DEAD YET, MOTHERFUCKER

After how putrid this team has been at times this year, it boggles my mind to think that they're a win over the Texans and a Vikings loss to the Giants away from actually winning the division and backing in to the playoffs. Sure, the pessimist in me is telling me that the Giants have nothing to play for and that next week will just be the televised rape of the Bears' secondary by Andre Johnson, and the completely rational part of my mind is telling me that the Bears have no chance at doing anything in the playoffs, and that I should just be cursing the last three wins for screwing up next year's draft position, but fuck it. If this was about rationality, I wouldn't be watching some grown men getting paid more in one hour than I'll see in a lifetime to throw a ball around while I ponder how much of their merchandise I should buy, and if I always listened to my inner pessimist, I'd have swallowed the sleeping pills years ago. So until reality sets in, I'm just going to sit here and be quietly pumped for a while, which is pretty much all you can hope for from a night of professional footballery.

On the other hand, Mike Brown went down tonight, and given his injury history and the fact that the season has a pretty good chance of only lasting one more game anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if that's it for him in 2008, and considering his contract status, it's a safe bet that he won't be back with the Bears in 2009, and might just hang it up for good. And man, whenever the word finally comes down that he's done in Chicago, that's going to be some heartbreaking shit for me. He's been probably my favorite player the Bears have had since Neal Anderson back in the day, and those two crazy-ass interception returns for overtime touchdowns in 2001 were two of my all-time greatest football memories. When things have turned shitty over the years, he would usually look like the only Bear on the field who actually cared about the games, he's been the heart and soul of this team for the last nine years, and even with Grossman's worthless ass in there, I still think that they'd have won Super Bowl XLI if Brown had been on the active roster that day. Had everything gone down the way it should have, he'd have been one of the all-time Bear legends, and it's a goddamn shame that his lasting legacy will be that of the dude who missed 45 out of 64 games from 2005 to 2007. If this is it, he's still got a lot of football-brains going on, so maybe he can catch on as a coach or something. Certainly couldn't do any worse than Babich.

The Bitter End

So, here we are, two weeks away from infamy. It has been such a train wreck of a season that people are saying shit like "Well, at least Orlovsky is back," which if you think about it is so phenomenally depressing that. . .well, maybe you shouldn't think about it if you are a Lions fan, otherwise your head might end up in the oven. But it's been that kind of a season, the kind where so much goes wrong that even when something does go right, like Jason Hanson having a record setting season at kicker, it is pretty much ignored.

Poor Jason has been with the Lions for his entire career, and if anyone deserves to be rewarded for staying through all the shit it's him. He's always been the one player on the team who Lions fans never had to worry about, which is something that I think everyone probably takes a bit for granted. I wish he was going to Honolulu for the Pro Bowl, and he still might since he is the alternate in case something happens to the dude in front of him, but perhaps it is for the best that this team doesn't get rewarded in any way, so that their shame is total and complete. There are no bright spots when you're 0-14, or 0-15, or 0-. . . well, you know. But still, poor Jason. Poor Jason.

But even that says something about how awful this team truly is, that as the season winds down, the only thing we have to cling to is the Pro Bowl snubbing of a fucking kicker. If that's not desperation, I don't know what is. But, that is where we are, and we must make our peace with that. Of course, before we make our peace with the inevitability of the horrific fate that awaits this team and its fans, we must suffer through two weeks of hell. Merry Christmas.

We begin this weekend by hosting New Orleans, and there are some crazed optimists claiming that the Lions could pull one out this week. These are the words of wild eyed ranters and desperate lunatics however and so we should not pretend like this is something that will actually happen. No, the time has come and gone for this team to rise up and put an end to this horrible nonsense. Now, we must simply deal with the reality that is placed before us.

The Lions can't cover anybody, and the Saints and Drew Brees can throw on virtually everybody. Do the math. At best the Lions will be slowly picked apart until late in the game when the floodgates burst wide open and we are all drowned in that same foul shit water which has washed over us all season long. At worst Brees will throw for 500 yards as he tries to make a run at Dan Marino's single season yardage record, and the game will be over with by the end of the first quarter and security will have to hold back the angry lynch mob known as Lions fans from rushing the field and tearing the place apart and suffocating Rod Marinelli with his own diaper. It will be awful.

Offensively, the Lions should be able to move the ball some. The Saints defense, particularly its pass defense, isn't very good, and the Lions will probably try desperately to get the ball in the hands of Calvin Johnson, which should result in a couple of big plays and a few more points on the board then they normally manage. Unfortunately, while Dan Orlovsky probably won't melt down like Daunte Culpepper inevitably does in every game, he also has a pop gun for an arm and isn't likely to burn the Saints defense deep like Culpepper might. Still, he should have a decent game, but the Lions defense won't be able to stop Brees, and so the Lions only hope is that they can hang with the Saints in a shootout and really, that's not going to happen. The Saints just have too much firepower on offense. It would be a shootout between a guy with a howitzer and a dude with a BB gun and we all know how that shit will turn out.

Hope is a good thing. It is. But there comes a point where hope just makes it all hurt that much worse and we are heading to a place where no one has ever gone before. It is a horrible place, awful and obscene and it will eat the hopeful alive, and so all we can do is prepare, hang on with white knuckled terror and wait for the final blow to be struck. The end begins this weekend, and all that's left to do is show up and take it. That is what it has come to.

Predicted Final Score: Saints 38, Lions 21

GET THIS MAN THE GODDAMNED BALL

You know, I can kinda understand how T.O. could get overlooked in the Cowboys offense. Witten is more or less the best TE in the NFL. Crayton is decent enough. Barber is good out of the backfield. I get how T.O. doesn't get enough balls thrown his way. That almost makes sense. When you are Johnnie Lee Higgins, the only thing resembling a deep threat on the Raiders roster, the lack of involvement in the offense is downright perplexing. Al Davis has always been a fag for speed. Everyone knows this. Speed is the one thing that JLH has in abundance. The Raiders wide outs are an unparalleled collection of shit and shattered hopes. When Ashley Lelie, you know, THAT Ashley Lelie, is the most productive member of your crew you are more or less fucked. Royally. Ronald Curry has gone from the plucky underdog to massive underachiever and Chaz Schillens is a rookie who is playing every bit like a rookie. Johnnie Lee Higgins started opening eyes during the preseason with his work on punt returns. Early in the season he had an 84 yard touchdown catch and run that SHOULD have iced the game, were it not for the Raiders defensive ineptness. After a run of about 3 weeks of poor showings returning punts he went and took punts all the way to the house two weeks in a row. Last week against the Pats he scored on a 54 yard touchdown catch. Clearly he is the Raiders biggest deep threat (all apologies to Zack Miller, who rocks). And yet the Raiders haven't made any effort to get the ball in his hands. There is no reason not to stick him in the slot. There isn't a safety in the league who can keep up with him. Hell, there aren't many corners in the league that he doesn't have the speed to get behind, and imagine if he gets matched up with a linebacker. I don't think he'll ever be a Welker or Stokely type, but he could do some damage underneath. Provided, of course, that Jamarcus could actually get the ball in his hands which is no safe bet. In any event, I have at least one thing to look forward to going into next season (other than Zack Miller, who rocks).

0-14, 0-14, 0-14, 0-14, 0-14, 0-14, 0-14

Okay, so the Lions didn't lose by the hundred or so I predicted but at no point, even when the game was tied at 21 in the fourth quarter, did I think that the Lions would win that game. You see, I have watched every game that these turds have played this year and this is something that has happened before. And, like before, the Lions stuck their feeble little heads above water for a few moments, basked in the sunshine and then were drowned again by a tidal wave of immense shit water.

The good news I guess is that Dan Orlovsky looked okay for the most part. Maybe you could win with him as a sort of caretaker type dude, the kind of guy who isn't going to win a game for you or anything but won't fuck up too badly - aside from the occasional scenic jaunt out the back of the end zone anyway. But really, on this team, that just means that he's a guy that will get them to lose by ten instead of thirty. He's not the guy, he just isn't, and so any encouragement that could be taken away from how he played is pretty much nullified.

And that is what is almost just as depressing as the fact that these shitbirds are 0-14. Aside from Calvin Johnson and maybe Kevin Smith it doesn't really matter if these guys show signs of life because we all know that in order for this team to become any better a wholesale cleansing of this organization from the front office down to the players and probably the ball boys needs to happen. So if Dan Orlovsky has a good game who really cares? If someone like, say, Leigh Bodden has a good game, it's more depressing than anything because it just stands as a stark contrast to his general shittyness. Of course, the Leigh Bodden example is purely hypothetical because, come on, Leigh Bodden having a good game is as likely as a unicorn springing from my ass and then taking flight. It's only happened once and probably won't happen again. I am just kidding of course. The unicorn never actually flew, but I digress.

Even my man Ernie Sims has pretty much sucked this year which is really depressing because coming into the season he was really the only dude on this team that I liked. Maybe he has been spending too much time with his collection of exotic lizards or maybe he just stopped giving a shit. I don't know, but Ernie Sims looks like he has finally realized he is a Detroit Lion and like so many before him the weight of that name and that uniform has begun to take its toll. I mean, this is a franchise whose ineptitude made Barry Sanders weep and renounce football for fuck's sake. So it's pretty damn probable that the same sort of ennui has also taken many lesser players over the years.

We are only two games away from the impossible, and at this point there is nothing to take away that is any good. Even when Calvin Johnson does something superhuman and absurd it just makes you feel bad for the guy, that he is stuck doing it with the Lions. It is horrible to reach that point, when you start feeling sorry for the good players on your team because you know that their talent is just going to waste. Everything is just depressing at this point, everything is just an interminable reminder that we are getting ever closer to the finish line, and at that finish line is not a trophy but a giant pile of shit. It smells and nobody wants to touch it, but the Lions and the poor assholes who root for them might as well be quadriplegics just sitting in our chairs, slowly drifting towards that giant pile of shit, powerless to stop before we end up covered in it. Our eyes are wide with terror and we hope for a miracle, but deep down we know that we are just slowly rolling towards the inevitable and that shit fucking stinks.

9-5 Records Are Like Assholes Cuz Everybodies Got One

The Patriots handled their business and beat the shit out of the Oakland Raiders 49-26 behind 4 TD passes from Matt Cassel. They improved to 9-5 on the season but it was moot because they merely kept pace with the Miami Dolphins who won yet another game and the New York Jets who managed to get a victory when they had all but lost the game. So it's back to the drawing board for the Patriots who are in need of another win and a loss from either or both of their AFC East rivals next week.

There is a possibility that the Patriots could win out for the rest of the season, end the year with an 11-5 (.688) record and still manage to miss the playoffs due to their head to head and division records against the Miami Dolphins and New York Jets. In any event, the Patriots need to put it all together again and pull out a win versus the Arizona Cardinals then hope that the Dolphins or Jets catch a bad one.

Here on Armchair Linebacker, several team bloggers hate my guts for complaining about about having a winning team. I'll continue to write what I want and I'll even do what I did last year and do recaps of playoff games. Quick question: Where's Chinballs? Isn't he a Patriots fan or some shit like that? Well, either way I'm not going anywhere. Check me out @ Poisonous Paragraphs for posts about Hip Hop, Sports and Film related fuckery.

One.

Some Points I've Been Meaning To Make

I have not posted too often the past six weeks or so, partly because the internet sucks, but partly because what the fuck is there to say. Any sensible Redskins fan could see this 6-2 team was smoke-n-mirrors and this pretty lass of a season was more than expected to pull her skirt up and expose herself as a masturbating transsexual. But I have had plenty of thoughts about the Redskins, and as I have been sick and pretty much shitting dirty water for the past seven days, let me just get right into it.
#1: CLINTON PORTIS IS MOTHERFUCKIN' ALRIGHT IN MY BOOK - I don't give a fuck if he seems like a primadonna and his grammar is not always that grammatical, he is a man. Without the big, bruising body of your normal bruiser of a RB, he bruises. I don't give a fuck if he has missed practice, the dude plays with like half-crippled body, and doesn't take pain shots like most of the degenerate pillhead players in this league do. Seriously, if the Redskins had actually had a good playoff run while he's been here, C.P. would be challenging John Riggins inside my brain for Greatest Redskin Evar.
#2: JOE GIBBS WAS OBVIOUSLY FAR MORE OF A GENIUS THAN EVEN I, AS A DELUSIONAL REDSKINS FAN, REALIZED - For this franchise to go four years under his watch without that much retardation is pretty amazing. I mean, what did it take Snyder, like two weeks to unravel it all after Gibbs retired? And they tricked us into drinking some wacky Jim Zorn Kool-Aid, but now it looks like that might just be a wasted year, YET AGAIN!
#3: FUCK VINNY CERRATTO - Okay, they draft a punter (which nobody does), and he sucks. So we bring in Zorn's zen buddhism buddy from Seattle, who also sucks, but has more experience at it. Cerratto drafts two wide receivers who have equaled half a player's contribution, and a second round tight end whose name I heard during the radio broadcast of a game for the first time today, in Week 15. And he still didn't do shit. Even not drafting has sucked, as they traded a 7th round pick to the Vikings for DE Erasmus James, because of his great potential being a former first-rounder. James occupied a roster spot, on the inactive list all year long, until like a week ago when they finally waived him. So Cerratto basically just pissed away a 7th round draft pick, which really sucks, because out of his 10 picks this past year, that was the only good fucking pick he made (Chris Horton, who is mostly good because of the tutoring by former NFL player James Washington, who hates the Redskins franchise now, even though he collected fat Dan Snyder paychecks a couple of seasons).
#4: A 90,000 SEAT STADIUM IS FUCKING STUPID - Not just because friends I know who finally got season tickets after years of waiting have wonderful views of concrete pillars, but because how much fucking money do you need? When you are counting on 90,000 paying fans and you have run out a shitty assed team like Mr. Snyder has done, there's a good chance many of those 90,000 seats are gonna be obtained by the other side's fans. This has left a mostly empty FedEx Field's lower bowl fill up with road team colors and drunkenly stoked fans mocking the home team as another home loss comes to an end.
#5: I FEEL SORRY FOR LONDON FLETCHER - This guy is a fucking solid football player, as solid as they come, both as a dude you can parade out to the public as being a straight-up bro, but also as a monster on the field. His long career, starting as a Division III undrafted free agent, has been a great one, and it sucks for him it has to end with such a shitty situation. Honestly, if it were up to me, as part of my plan to rebuild after blowing up this shitty team, I'd make him player/coach next year and Defensive Coordinator. I don't believe all that hype that guys have to stay up all night long and sleep on their desk in a dirty sweatshirt to game plan most properly like is the common belief. If he could instill his heart into a defense, which he has a lot of times, they'll be okay, like they have been.
#6: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT JASON CAMPBELL - He is a nice guy, always doing charity work, and I want to like him, but something's not clicking. Perhaps he has been thrown too many times to the turf and been asked not to learn too much, but forget what he already was forced to learn too often. He may be ruined goods at this point. But I'm sure to prove a point, Dan Snyder will give him a $32 million guaranteed contract extension in the off-season.
#7: I DO KNOW ABOUT JIM ZORN - That first game, when his anime hair was pointed up in confusion and he looked severely out of place as an NFL head coach? That was legit. He is in waaaaay over his head, and I feel bad for the guy, because all he was gonna do was be the Offensive Coordinator. But then he goes to a sleepover with Danny and Vinny at Danny's house and ends up beating them both so badly in Madden football on the 70-inch plasma screen, that they make him Head Coach. But what do we do? At this point, Dan Snyder is gaining a young Al Davis's reputation for marrying and divorcing coaches at a ridiculous rate. It doesn't really bear too well on this team to fire Zorn already. We are married to the guy, for better or worse. But he's obviously not cut for the part, and it's only going to get worse.
#8: ISN'T THERE SOME DOWN-ON-HIS-LUCK REAL REDSKIN FAN WHO WANTS TO HELP SAVE THIS FRANCHISE - The economy is in the shitter and dudes offing their families in murder/suicide headlines seem to be on the incline. It seems to me obvious the source of the Redskins futility, and that would be from the top. Dan Snyder is a young young guy by NFL owner standards, and most likely could keep this team in perpetual mediocrity for the rest of my life, as well as many other Skins fans. I would think there has to be some downwardly spiralling soul who could involve a certain rich fucker businessman in his murder/suicide scenario. I don't know how else to make this team good again. Maybe some kids can get mangled at Six Flags and Snyder will have to sell off the team to settle the case. I also used to say if my wife was to ever kick me out, I was gonna live my life out as a penniless hobo. I have become half-hobbled by drunken stunt man injuries at this point in my life, and I don't know how well a hobo's life would jibe with my sore joints and back spasms and shit. So perhaps I have a new Plan B. And when the Redskins lose, I become brooding and difficult, which affects my relationship with my wife. Get it together, Mr. Snyder. It is a very obvious domino effect that you are in charge of.
#9: JOHN MADDEN IS NOT THAT BAD - I have suffered through two Redskins Sunday night games this season since I last posted on this shitty blog, and I have heard the complaints that "John Madden is terrible blah blah blah" upon the AM radios, but you know what? That's wrong. Madden really isn't any different than he's ever been, and I find it entertaining enough. When a motherfucker takes a moment to highlight cholesterol-heavy pork products of a regional variety, I can appreciate that. The real problem with the Sunday Night Football booth is Al Michaels. That guy's ego has obviously caught up with his hype as the greatest play-by-play man ever, because he doesn't really do play-by-play half the time, cracking corny ass jokes and relaying allegedly interesting anecdotes like a suddenly sober born again uncle no one really likes at Thanksgiving dinner. A loud-mouthed sober fucker is not what complements Madden's meanderings best. A soft-spoken drunkard, like Pat Summerall, is your best bet, because the drunkard's mind understands Madden (which is probably why I don't think he sucks), but the soft-spoken nature doesn't create conflict with ol' John's stammerings.
#10: THAT SEAN TAYLOR TRIBUTE WAS FUCKING HOKEY - An obvious cheap ass motivational tactic, poorly executed, and failed since the Redskins still got their ass kicked. That's a shitty thing to do to your team too, Mr. Snyder, to lay that type of burden on their shoulders in front of the fans, and act nonchalant about it, like you're some sort of good samaritan. If you want to be a good samaritan, put your cockboy Cerratto to work helping the D.C. homeless, taking them into halfway houses, letting them play each other in Madden franchise mode, with the winners moving on to play other homeless people who have succeeded similarly. Then one of those guys could be your GM, because anyone who has played like three years of Madden in franchise mode would make a better judge of college talent than Cerratto. (To be honest, I was listening to this ceremony on the radio, and it almost made me cry, which is internet-talk for made me cry. But I had been up two nights straight drinking heavily, so my mental state was susceptible to cheap gimmicks.)
#11: FUCK ALL THESE WIDE RECEIVERS CELEBRATIONS - Santana Moss getting an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for acting like he won the Grammy for best touchdown ever was ridiculous, SINCE THEY WERE LOSING TO A TEAM WITH ONLY 1 WIN AT THAT POINT. I can tell you how every Santana Moss play will end visually. Either he will make a catch and do a very emphatic first down signal, even though he's about half a yard short sometimes, or he will look at the ref frustratedly demanding a pass interference call, because if he did not catch the ball, obviously something interfered with it. Also, I do not understand why Antwan Randle El does the "then the sun came up and dried up all the rain" hand gestures from The Itsy Bitsy Spider every time he catches a ball, nor do I understand why he will run 38 yards sideways, back and forth, to gain three yards on every fucking punt return he has ever done. Also, I do not understand how Vinny Cerratto does not realize that as you draft players, you pretty much take one draft choice every other year or so, and blow it on a questionable wide receiver or defensive back who has ridiculous speed for kick and punt returns. Your top four return men's average age should not be pushing 32.
#12: MAYBE SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT DRAFTING AN OFFENSIVE LINEMAN AT SOME POINT - Average length of NFL service of the starters is like 10 years, so no wonder they are breaking down at an alarming rate at the end of the season. Also, Chris Samuels is the most overrated fucker they've had in my lifetime. If there is a penalty on the offensive line, 3 times out of 4 it is him, and two of those 3 times, it's a false start. I briefly convinced myself this year for about three weeks that Chris Samuels was actually great, just a dirty sneaky player, which was why he was so highly touted, and he always jumped the snap or held, so they had to call it every now and then. But after a couple more games of watching him hold his hands in the air with that scared mongoloid look as Jason Campbell crumpled under a blind side pass rush, I realized that no, he does indeed appear to be overrated as fuck.
#13: REDSKINS FANS ARE STUPID - This is in regards to that stupid Vote the Redskins Ticket internet campaign for the Pro Bowl. Shaun Suisham shouldn't even be the top votegetter on the Redskins roster for starting kicker, much less in the whole NFC. The fact that so many fans voted this shows not what great fans we are collectively, but how fucking twisted our priorities have become. What the fuck does it matter if we have 19 Pro Bowlers if they don't even contend for the playoffs? Is there a vote for a new owner somewhere? Can we do one of those useless stupid online petitions? There probably won't ever even be one of those disgruntled fan marches at FedEx Field either, like was seen in Detroit when Matt Millen was stinking up the joint, because everybody will have sold their shitty seats to Eagles fans on Stubhub. (Oh man, talk about degenerate fans invading a stadium. It was only a couple of years ago that Philly fans created so much of a ruckus at FedEx, cops pepper sprayed a bunch of people, and the spray wafted onto the sidelines of the field. With the Redskins pretty much dead at this point, jogging into the offseason at half-speed, and the Eagles coming to town next week, I would expect it to be chaos there. Which is another reason Redskins fans suck. Where are all the drunken degenerates to defend Redskins honor in the crowd? Players feed off fans feed off players, chicken and the egg syndrome. The first thing we can do as fans is to be loud, drunk, and unruly towards anyone in opposing colors. This should include violent and tasteless acts. One thing my high school football coach taught me was if you can't win the game on the field, you better at least win it in the parking lot.
#14: OH MAN, JASON TAYLOR - I don't remember what they traded for this fancy-footed piece of yellowboned shit, but if it was something more than a couple of cases half smokes and some tinfoil wrapped Ben's Chili Bowl chili dogs, it was too much. So in Miami, Parcels says Taylor is out of shape and too concerned about faggot crap like Dancing with the Stars (which oddly enough, is far less gay when Warren Sapp does it, although I never actually watched anything beyond the commercials) and wants to run Taylor off. The Redskins wait until they lose all their defensive ends, most of whom were not top-shelf to begin with, and get backed into a corner, and then trade something godawful I'm sure, to the Dolphins for a guy accused of not having his priorities straight. Jason Taylor goes on to prove those naysayers EXACTLY FUCKING RIGHT by having his worst injury-marred season ever. Again, I am sure Mr. Snyder will reward all of this with a $21 contract extension. By the way, not to go back to the same thing over and over, but probably maybe they should've thought about drafting a defensive linemen towards the top half of the draft. They have some decent low round guys making contributions, but these are the type of guys who should be coming off the bench to spell your studs, not actually, you know, start all 16 games. When stopgap measures are your first order of business, you are already fucked.
#15: CHRIS COOLEY'S BLOG - It is funny by the relative standards of it being a famous dude writing dumb shit. But it's not really that funny or cool, and I love Chris Cooley. You have to know the guy is working with a muzzle, or else he would've said some real shit at some point during this team meltdown. Perhaps if he said what was truly on his mind instead of these little fun mark ass NFL fan stories, it would be a great blog. The selling point of Gilbert Arenas's blog (which I'm assuming is the standard setter for such a thing, especially in D.C.) is that he will say whatever the fuck comes to his mind. You know who needs a blog? Clinton Portis. (Also, if either Tanner or Chris Cooley happen upon this doing ego searches on google, you should hit up your fans for designs for new Chris Cooley gear. That 47 CC logo you use is kinda wack. And any and all criticism of your blog is mostly offset by the fact you got that black Indian dude's tomahawk back to him.)
#16: SONNY JURGENSEN & SAM HUFF ARE THE BESTEST RADIO TEAM GOING - The only selling point for my stupid Sirius satellite radio now (since they dropped the old school rap station when they had their merger with XM so that both companies could only lose half as much money as they were before) is to listen to the home broadcasts of every NFL team (except the Titans for some reason). Having listened to most all of them at one point or another this year (usually multiple points honestly), there is no team better than the old coots in the Redskins booth. Granted, Sam Huff is half senile at this point, but luckily for us the listeners, the half of his brain that is lost to old age is not the hilarious half. Two weeks ago he was talking about some guy punched him or did something dirty like they had just seen on the game, and they were asking Sam what he would've done. Sam basically said, "I wanted to knock his block off. But I didn't see him again. And now he's dead and I'll never get the chance." Sonny, also an old coot, but with the mental acumen of a man half his age, holds it together. They have some play-by-play guy who's basically just there to make sure all the commecial things are said correctly and the gaps in the game are described as Sonny and Sam scoot off into their tangents.
#17: I CAN CUT FIREWOOD NOW - I have been putting off spending Sunday replenishing my firewood stack that went down quick due to the cold weather we've gotten early this year, but with the Redskins fucking terrible and no hope for the future, I can concentrate on cutting wood. I actually had to buy a couple of $50 loads of wood, so technically, in my mind, this shitty team owes me $100.
#18: MIKE SELLERS IS KING-SIZED - I know he fumbled in the end zone today, but still, this guy is one of the few rock solid dudes on this team. I have a friend - a fellow Redskins fan - who is having a son this spring, and he's already been looking at baby-sized jerseys to get the first young one. I would expect most of the star's jerseys will all be on different teams or disgruntled overpaid shitbags in a couple of years, who have either abandoned Washington or their passion for the game. But Mike Sellers is a different type of guy. Even if he is gone, he is a Redskin, or at least what I'd like to imagine being a Redskin is. Fuck, honestly, I guess after ten years of Dan Snyder, the realest true Redskin on the team is Jason Taylor. That's about as true as being a Redskin can be - overrated, making far more money than he should, and not delivering a fucking thing. But you want to have hope and not strap something so cynical on your offspring. You want to be able to tell them about the 3 Super Bowl victories, and give them pride in the burgundy and gold. You want to be able to relate where you were that day you heard the news that Dan Snyder's helicopter tragically wrecked into the icy Potomac River, and how when you were a kid you used to recreate John Riggins jersey-stretching run against the Dolphins in the Super Bowl in your back yard a thousand times over and over. So for the sake of the kids being born to unrepentant Redskins fans like myself, let's pretend Mike Sellers is the true epitome of what being a Redskin is. I am more than content with having three daughters and no sons, since all of them are healthy and beautiful little people. But I think about a son at times, and two things come up that make me glad I never had one - having to make a decision about circumcision (which seems stupid and unnecessary as fuck sure, but I probably wouldn't want my boy to have a funny-looking dick) and imparting in him my emotional attachment to the Washington Redskins. It fucking sucks to have yourself so emotionally involved with something that you have absolutely no control over whatsoever, and it gives you nothing in return other than little playoff appearance bones every four years that amount to nothing substantial. I am sick of this shit. I'd like to pretend I'm gonna take up tai chi stick fighting or something, but I know I'll be watching this bullshit till the miserable end. Even next weekend, if I'm cutting wood, I'll have the truck radio on the game. Fuck.

Bollocks on Stilts

I didn't watch the game today. Starting at about the second quarter through 2 minutes to go in the 4th I was on an airplane from Cleveland to Orlando. Apparently, Jeff Fisher's mind was cruising at that altitude as well.

Jeff Fisher, for at least 45 seconds there, forgot that he was coaching an honest-to-goodness real life football game instead of playing Madden on his PS3. There are no situations at any level of football that you do not go for the field goal when you are within range and down by 1 with two minutes ago. My high school coach would have went for it. 99.9% of all coaches in Divisions I-III and the NAIA would have gone for it. Maybe a couple in the CFL might have went for the first down, but why on earth would the dean of NFL coaches decide to go for a first down facing that situation.

Jeff Fisher, for that brief moment, apparently looked out on the field and saw Rodney Dangerfield lurking in the stands. Coach Fisher didn't respect someone. He either didn't respect the Texans defense and thought that Collins/Johnson/White could pick up a first down in their sleep, or he didn't respect the Titans defense enough and thought they would be unable to get a stop if they did make the field goal. For the life of me, I have no idea why you not only go for it but you throw a fairly deep route down the side to pick up the first down. Dump screen over the middle with a couple of receivers on the cross route would have worked fine....you could have even kept Johnson off to the side for an emergency outlet...but this is all a moot point because you should have kicked the field goal.

Oh well. The more losses we get out of our system now the better, I guess. Though there probably should be a clause that if you lose to the Texans you are automatically disqualified from making the playoffs.