Patriots, Plaxico and Pregame Prognostication

I don’t know how many of you have been really paying attention during this past 2007-08 NFL season but other players and teams have made predictions before games against the New England Patriots and they’ve used those comments as motivation to beat those teams and in some cases, embarrass the individual players that made such statements.

I heard the Super Bowl prediction made by Plaxico Burress at his press conference (23-17?) and the subsequent statements made by Michael Strahan. I heard Pats fans all around me getting heated and those clips were replayed ad nauseum on ESPN, Comcast Sports Network and the NFL Network, Did I think that Burress and Strahan were out of their minds to make those type of potentially incendiary statements? No. Do I think they they gave the Patriots even more bulletin board material and extra incentive to beat them? Not so much.

I feel as though this game is so big that there is nothing that the Giants could do to give the Patriot coaches or players more incentive or drive to win the game. They are chasing history and immortality this coming Sunday. The 2007-08 New England Patriots will be playing for the right to be called The Greatest NFL Team Of All Time...nothing any Giant can say could give them any real extra motivation.

The New York Giants should be confident coming into this game seeing as how they haven’t made one turnover in the entire playoffs and they beat both the Dallas Cowboys and Green Bay Packers on their way to the Super Bowl.

Quite a few NFL experts and analysts are drawing parallels between this Super Bowl and Super Bowl XXXVI in which the 14 point underdog Patriots beat the vaunted, seemingly invincible Greatest Show On Turf to claim their first of three Super Bowl titles back in the 2001-02 season.

In the minds of the Giants, they’ve played the Patriots before and feel as though they can play with them. As long as they don’t have any turnovers, shut down the Patriots deep threats and keep them off the field, they can win the game.

On top of that, Tom Brady isn’t 100% with his high ankle sprain. To the New York Giants, there is nothing to lose. If they lose the game, they were supposed to....shit, no one even though they’d make it farther than the Divisional round of the playoffs! They are a confident and loose bunch of guys going into Sunday’s game. The Patriots are the ones with all of the pressure on their shoulders after all.

The one thing that people are overlooking in regards to the Patriots is that they asked for all this pressure from the outset of the season. When you go out and run up the score on teams that you’re going to see again in the regular season and possibly again in the playoffs you make it so that you can never let up.

The Patriots cannot afford to take a play off, that had to keep their heads on a swivel the entire season. Everyone has given the Pats their best shot (best exemplified by A.J. Feely and Kyle Boller) this season and gotten up to play them. They cannot slack off and they’re not in a position to underestimate or overlook any opponent.

The team is also full of veteran players that have won before and a few veteran players that hunger for the first big win or accolade of their careers. Of the 53 players on the Patriots roster, 20 of them have Super Bowl experience (that’s just under 40%). Among these Patriots are some of the best NFL players in the last 15 years, they know what it takes to win and how to win consistently.

No team in the NFL trusts in themselves and their teammates more than the New England Patriots do. It’s like they always say, the real dangerous men are silent became they don’t need to talk because their actions speak louder than any words can.

In conclusion, I don’t feel any ill will towards any of the Giants for saying that they’ll be victorious on Sunday. The thing is that the only thing the Patriots are interested in saying at around 10:00 PM EST is “We are Super Bowl Champions” or “We went 19-0”. I can’t wait for February 3rd to get here.

Oh yeah, in the movie “I Am Legend” if you paid close enough attention they made a little prediction of their own. The game will officially start at 6:17, 617 is the Boston Metro area code...but I don't believe in jinxes or omens so big deal.

One.

Poor Ron Meeks

Fan reaction to Dan Snyder's trying to shove shitty yes-man Jim Fassel into the coaching slot that should've been Gregg Williams was so hateful that he's balked now and prolonged his "search". Latest word is that Ron Meeks of the Colts is gonna get another look and shot at the job, which won't be officially decided until after the Super Bowl, so says Danny Boy Snyder. I find it sad how much emphasis is placed upon forcing black coaching candidates into positions like this, where Williams should've just had the job from the get-go, without having to worry about a Rooney rule, because it does qualified black candidates a disservice to go through interviews they will never get.
However, the fact that I suspect Danny Boy will throw us Redskins fans a curve and actually hire Ron Meeks, to show how multicultural and understanding he is (and also to quiet the complaints, because you can't complain about the rare sighting of a black NFL head coach, especially one who comes from a high branch of the proven Tony Dungy coaching tree) makes me feel bad for black coaching candidates of the future, especially considering such a hire would happen during Black History Month. The reason for this is there is absolutely no way, regardless of how great he is, Ron Meeks will succeed underneath the meddling half-assery that is Danny Boy Snyder and his backgammon buddy Vinny Cerrato. No way. Joe Gibbs was a hall-of-famer, and apparently had to use all his guile and interpersonal craftsmanship just to make Snyder appear not to be the fucking fruit he is for the past couple years. Ron Meeks would be doomed, regardless of how forward thinking his style of coaching may be.
And after a year or so of Ron Meeks looking like an half-incompetent fool and being thrown under the bus because of the dipshit more money than sense asshole he was working for, it won't be as easy for other can't miss black coaching candidates to actually getting anything more than a token interview in front of the old boy network. So if you are a fan of multiculturalism and wanting more minority coaches in the NFL, you should actually root against one being hired in Washington, as illogical as that sounds. Because it will only make black coaches look stupider.

The Titans - Why Bother

Sometimes when I post things at Science Gone Mad, I worry that I come across as too negative. Anymore, I try to be as positive as possible. The addition of Mike Heimerdinger as the OC for the Titans, for example, might be a step in the right direction. Or it might be a catastrophe.

Then I looked at the other transactions the Titans have made in the month of January and I fount this:

Jan. 8: Roster additions for 2008: QB Ingle Martin (ended '07 season on Titans practice squad).

What in the sam fuck is this shit? Ingle Martin??? Apparently anyone who has ever taken a snap in Division I for any school at anytime can get a pro contract in today's NFL. Wasn't the closing down of NFL Europe supposed to stop this dilution of the talent pool? Ingle Martin??? Really? I thought I had seen it all when Brock Berlin started a game for the Rams this year, but this is simply unbelievable. There is no way to dress this up as a positive.

Ingle Martin, for those who don't know, was recruited to play for Florida and be the second coming of Danny Wuerffel. When Spurrier left to coach the Redskins (sorry Mack), new head coach and Football Genius Ron Zook benched Martin in favor of Chris Leak. You know Chris Leak....the guy who led the Gators to the BCS championship in 2006. Martin decided that he would rather lead in hell than serve in Gainesville, so he transferred to perennial division I-AA mediocrity with Furman.

(Sidebar. Furman's mascot is the Paladin. As you all know from Dungeons and Dragons, a Paladin is a "Christian Knight." A friend of mine played on the O-line for them in the mid-1990s and told me that the Student Council there lobbied the administration to change the school's mascot officially to the Christian Knights. They were in the final stages of approving it when an eagle eyed administrator realized that it would spell out Furman University Christian Knights. Aren't acronyms great?)

Martin must have played ok at Furman. No one would really know because no one really cares about Furman or the Southern Conference outside of App State. But, somehow he managed to be drafted in the 5th or 6th round by the Packers in 2006. (Leak wasn't drafted in 2007, which is one of the all-time injustices of pro football.) Remember, Brett Favre is irreplaceable, but Martin still managed to become the third stringer, which is to say he played no role of any significance whatsoever on the team. He later was cut, increasing the level of talent in the NFL.

I don't know what the rationale is to sign a player with virtually no ability above the high school level. Perhaps the Titans see themselves as some sort of NFL Salvation Army. Maybe the GM played golf with Martin's dad once or twice. Norm Chow might have thought he could make him into the next Carson Palmer. I don't really know. I do know that if the pool of available quarterbacks is that shallow then I should probably try to hit the gym a bit and get back into shape. I can only pass the ball about 10 yards on a good day, but you must not need much more than that to be in the QB Club.

For the short term, if Vince (Peace Be With Him) gets hurt, and Kerry Collins plays like, well, Kerry Collins, then our season is over. Martin has absolutely no business in an NFL stadium unless he is selling Budweiser.

1st round WR, 2nd Round RB, 3rd Round QB.

Jim Fassell? What the fuck...

You know, I have a newfound respect for how great Joe Gibbs actually did in his four-year stint, seeing Dan Snyder screw it all the fuck up in two-and-a-half weeks. I mean, we didn't win any Super Bowls, but Gibbs had me believing Dan Snyder was a rock solid owner who just wanted to win there for a couple of years. But now, with Gibbs out of the way, Snyder can go back to the meddling micro-managing piece of shit he is.
Thank God he gave Vinny Cerrato a new title as Executive whatever the fuck plus the dude I sit around laughing with over martinis and we have dinner with our wives but at night when I'm in the executive washroom it is Vinnny I think of as I masturbate my short rich man's feeble penis frantically. I mean, what better person to have a position of personnel authority greater than he already had than Cerrato. His resume is impeccable. He was the guy illegally paying players that caused Lou Holtz to get forced out of Notre Dame during their last true glory period. And he helped mismanage the salary cap situation in San Francisco well enough to completely undo the 20 years of greatness Bill Walsh had built up there. So I can see why Dan Snyder trusts his opinion so well to give him more power over the Redskins franchise. It makes even greater sense since he's still not actually a General Manager, but part of a triumvirate of dudes playing fantasy football with high-priced free agents along with Snyder and the head coach. Of course this also ruined Gregg Williams chances of becoming coach because Cerrato and him don't get along. I can see this though. Gregg Williams is a no-nonsense guy who did some straight up bro shit like have the team field 10 players on defense after Sean Taylor's murder, and won over the team with such straight uptitudes. Cerrato is a hookfaced fuckwad who has basically ridden Dan Snyder's jockstrap and moneyclip the past 9 years like a little cartoon dog running around a bigger dog going, "Yeah boss, that's right boss, you should get Deion boss, he's great boss, Bruce Smith boss, he's all-time sack leader boss, Adam Archuleta's great boss, you're right boss, Steve Spurrier will bring a much better spirit than Schottenheimer boss, what'dya wanna do now boss? Let's go fly your plane to Randle El's house boss and give him seventeen canvas bags with giant dollar bill signs boss. That's all we need boss and it's another Lombardi Trophy."
This leads us to Jim Fassell, who has been leaked as the next head coach and it might even be announced by the time the four of you get around to reading this. Jim Fassell. The illustrious Jim Fassell who got run out of New York after leading the Giants to a consistently underachieving middle-of-the-pack, but sometimes making the playoffs to lose ridiculously at some point, like blowing a 21 point lead against the 49ers. Oh yeah, after that though Fassell got signed on as offensive coordinator in Baltimore with his buddy Brian Billick, but he got fired from that too because he sucked, by his own good friend. So yeah, I'm sure he'll instill in the Redskins a much deeper mediocrity than they already have. Wilbon said in the Wash. Post today that you can pretty much pencil them in for 8-8 every year and you'd be close to perfect. I'd go ahead and drop that to 6-10 now that Fassell's on board.
I mean fuck, what would it have hurt to give Gregg Williams the one year that was left on Gibbs' contract, just to ride out what came together in the wake of Sean Taylor's death this year. Snyder has no qualms about firing a dude after a year, so if it didn't work at all, fuck it, cut Gregg Williams loose, but give this that has blossomed a chance to bear fruit. Don't just piss in his face after four interviews where you must've been looking for any reason to not hire him to bring in Fassel. I imagine they dug deep too, like, "Gregg, do you like hard boiled eggs in potato salad, because I hate them. Hard boiled eggs are not appetizing Gregg. How do you feel about hard boiled eggs in potato salad? What about spicy mustard?" One fucking year, that's all I ask for as a fan, and all the players wanted.
And now let's look at the dominos... Williams bolts because he's turned down other offers to stay here as the heir apparent to Gibbs, only to get shit on by Snyder. They are rumored to be trying to get Rex Ryan, who can't be all bad since he's Buddy Ryan's son, but he also isn't Gregg Williams, who I've grown to trust and admire as a Redskins fan. Skins are already reportedly talking to Jim Zorn - the Seahawks QB coach - to come in and replace Al Saunders as head of the offense. I mean, I had problems with Al Saunders, but at least he had a proven game plan that could be tailored eventually you'd hope to Jason Campbell a little better. Jim Zorn? Come the fuck on. You want to impress me and develop Jason Campbell with an offense led by aging and injured skill position players and an underling coach for an oftentime inept Seahawks offense?
What about the players? Every team leader who spoke up in the days after Gibbs resigned all said the same thing - hire Gregg Williams. Now I'm not one to think players make the decisions on a sports team, but after this past year and how the team gelled in a way almost no salary cap era football team has ever gelled in the NFL before, how the fuck do you ignore what THEY ALL FUCKING SAY to bring in some retread lacking any proven tread?
Sean Taylor's death was a blow against the Redskins, not only because of the incident, but they lost a defensive horse that would've been there for a while. But the Redskins team became the Redskins family and did some pretty good things to end the season on a positive note. It's that old cliche - a galvanizing event. Except now Snyder strips that all away. Chris Cooley and Chris Samuels - the Redskins lone Pro Bowlers this year - just announced they'd be wearing #21 jerseys in the game in Hawaii, in honor of Taylor. The players are still honoring their fallen teammate, and ownership has already moved on. That's gonna kill player loyalty. If you were Clinton Portis, why the fuck would you want to restructure your contract now to make salary cap room after what Snyder's done, basically pissing on the team effort in the wake of Sean Taylor's murder? I'd get on the little man's private plane and say, "Fuck you, either pay me or cut me." Which is what we're going to move back to - check cashers instead of Redskins who believe in the Redskins way, which somehow, through all his aging shortcomings, Joe Gibbs had them believing in again. Had me believing in it again, that even with Snyder as owner, we were moving in a grand direction.
Fuck drinking the Kool-Aid all supposed dedicated fans are supposed to drink. I was a Redskins fan as a kid the same time Dan Snyder was. He's only 8 or so years older than me, so I don't have to respect him as an owner of the Redskins. I love them as much as he does, and I've never done anything to fuck them up like he has, from the moment he dropped the name Jack Kent Cooke Stadium, even though Cooke built that thing largely with his own money. Fuck a Dan Snyder because I realize he is young, and wealthy as fuck, which means he has things I don't - like health insurance and a longer lifespan due to a more sheltered life from regular dude overdue bill stress that eats up stupid fucks like me. This means Snyder will, in all likelihood, be the owner of the Redskins for the rest of my life. THE REST OF MY LIFE. And he has done nothing but fuck up the Redskins from within his entire time as Napoleon Biznesssuit, Team President. So fuck him. I am an agreeable and easy-to-get-along-with guy for the most part, and I hate wishing ill on anybody, but I have no problem saying I would not shed a tear and in fact would probably be stoked if his helicopter crashed into the Potomac. I am not the type to say something like that lightly, so if it happens tomorrow, I'm not going to be all, "Oh my god! I'm so sorry!" Because I'm not. I'm sorry that little fucker ever bought the Redskins, because now, through a lifelong obligation to my sports team, I have to think to myself how much he sucks, how much Fassel sucks, but still root for the Redskins, against every reasonable molecule in my body. There is no free agency with a true football fan - I live and die with the Redskins, and will suffer a long slow death for the rest of my life on this planet most likely. Hopefully my kids will inherit a better owner.
Rest in peace #21 - it should've been Snyder.

Dart Adams presents The Conference Championship Game Report

It was the day that all Patriots fans were waiting for all year long. After the disappointing loss in last year’s AFC Championship game to the eventual Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts, all the Patriots and their fans could think about was the Patriots getting back to the Super Bowl and/by betting Peyton Manning and those damn Colts.

The Patriots played the Colts this season and beat them but Indy had huge matchup problems with the San Diego Chargers that ultimately became their undoing. Patriots fans had to settle for another rematch between the Pats and Chargers, this would’ve been more exciting if it wasn’t for the fact that the Patriots had beaten the Chargers to go to last year’s AFC Championship and blown them out 38-14 in Week 2 this season. All the Patriots had to do was win to earn a date with destiny...not so easy to do.

The game started and everyone was hoping that the Chargers would actually be able to give the Patriots a game. The commentators were surprised that Philip Rivers was actually going to play and that LaDainian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates were starting as well. LT got pulled after two runs and a reception never to return to the game and Antonio Gates was taken to the locker romm shortly afterwards (that was because of equipment failure, though).

Philip Rivers remained on the field and he was able to evade the rush and deliver the ball down field to Chris Chambers and Vincent Jackson. The Patriots were not in sync to start the game as Tom Brady threw the ball at receiver and instead of it ending up in their hands, chests or breadbaskets they either flew over their heads or hit the grounds in front of or behind them.

The fans were kind of shocked because they don’t remember the Patriots not marching down the field to take the lead in a while. Then Tom Brady threw an interception to Quentin Jammer, he stood on the sidelines making the same look Superman made when he first saw his own blood after that bar fight in Superman 2. The Chargers marched down the field and Michael Turner made the tough yards while Chambers and Jackson found the gaps in the defense and moved the chains. Once they got to the Red Zone and dealt with a short field, the veteran linebacker and DB corps were able to hold the Chargers to a Keading FG...this would become a recurring theme throughout the game.

The Patriots received the ball down 3-0 and finally put together a drive as an end around to Randy Moss netted 14 yards to get them across midfield and Kevin Faulk made some key plays before Maroney punched the ball in to give them a 7-3 lead. Philip Rivers limped onto the field and once again evaded the Pats pass rush to step to his right and hit Chris Chambers and Vincent Jackson for deep pass plays. Once they got into the Red Zone, the Patriots DB’s tightened it up and held them to another Kaeding field goal. The score was 7-6.

The Patriots failed to sustain a drive but they executed a great play on special teams that pinned the Chargers back to the 4 yard line. Shortly thereafter, Philip Rivers under heavy pressure and he forced up a bad pass that Assante Samuel snatched from the much bigger Chris Chambers. He ran the ball back to the 24 yard line. One 12 yard pass to Kevin Faulk on 1st down set up a 10 yard pass to a wide open Jabar Gaffney for the TD. The score was 14-6.

Philip Rivers took to the air again with some success, but he forced a deep ball that was intercepted once again by Ellis Hobbs. The Patriots had a chance to put the game away before halftime. It wasn’t to be as the Patriots drive stalled and they gave it back to the Chargers right before halftime.

Philip Rivers kept his team in the game and moved the ball. Then Sproles managed to break through the line for a huge gain. The Chargers got down to the 22 yard line and set up a 40 yard FG for Kaeding. The score was 14-9 at the half, the Patriots could’ve put them away but Rivers and the Chargers just refused to die. Gates wasn’t 100%, Rivers wasn’t 100% and LT wasn’t even on the field...The Chargers still wanted to win and the Patriots were clearly gonna have to fight and earn 18-0.

The second half started and the Patriots drove down the field. They were seemingly back to business as usual...at least until Tom Brady threw his second interception of the day and gave the Chargers the ball in excellent field position. Brady tried to squeeze in a ball to Donte Stallworth. It was a bad decision and once agin the Patriots defense would have to save the day. Philip Rivers continued to find the soft spots in the Patriots defense and put the ball in Chambers and Jackson’s hands.

On a crucial 3rd & 1 at the 12 yard line, Turner received the hand off but the 39 year old Junior Seau broke through the line and stopped Turner for a 2 yard loss. Once again, the Patriots defense came up clutch and held the Chargers to another Kaeding field goal to make the score 14-12 with 8:36 left in the 3rd quarter. That field goal would be the last points that San Diego would score in the game.

The Patriots changed up their game plan and decided to switch to a power running set. They stuck in 2 or 3 tight ends or inserted Heath Evans to clear the way and made holes for Lawrence Maroney to cut back and get big runs right through the heart of the San Diego defensive line. When they did throw the ball, the screened off to Kevin Faulk or went under to Wes Welker. Randy Moss and Donte Stallworth became valuable blockers (and they didn’t incur a penalty all game). The Patriots ran down the clock and drove all the way down the field deep into the Red Zone.

It looked like the Patriots were gonna put the game away in the 3rd quarter but on 3rd & Goal inside the 10 yard line Tom Brady tought he was Drew Bledsoe and decide to force a ball into his tight end Ben Watson at the back of the end zone and Anthony Cromartie waited for the ball and jumped it for the 3rd Brady into of the game. The only good news was that instead of downing the ball in the end zone, Cromartie tried to return it...he didn’t even make it past the 5 yard line. The Chargers drive stalled at the 19 yard line and they punted the ball to the Patriots and conceded them excellent field position. The Patriots once again went to work to start the 4th quarter after a huge Heath Evans pass play put the Patriots over midfield.

The Patriots drove down field behind the hard running of Lawrence Maroney. Maroney caught a key pass from Brady and ran the ball down to the 10 yard line that set up the clinching touchdown by Wes Welker to make the score 21-12 with 12:15 left in the game. The Chargers refused to quit and they drove down to the Patriots 36 yard line before their drive stalled thanks to Rodney Harrison coming in clean forced Rivers to throw an errant pass. The Patriots received the ball on their 12 yard line with 9:15 left in the game. It ended up being the final Charger possession in the contest.

The Patriots had a huge 3rd &11 at the 24 yard line, but Tom Brady found Kevin Faulk who caught the ball and rolled to a 1st down at the 36 with 7:15 left in the game. Kevin Faulk and Lawrence Maroney would trade key 3rd down conversions until San Diego ran out of time outs. Once Maroney ran the ball to the 15 yard line and the 2 Minute Warning passed, the Patriots just took a few knees and it was a wrap. The Patriots were headed for their 4th Super Bowl in 7 years and their first since 2004. The Chargers played a hell of a game and I couldn’t eat until after it finally ended and Bob Kraft hoisted the Lamar Hunt trophy above his diminutive body. The defense was huge and the Patriots got to 18-0 the hard way, they earned it. Next stop: February 3rd in Glendale, AZ for Super Bowl XLII.

Due to fact that my team was now in the Super Bowl, I could just watch this game and really enjoy it. My writing style will now make a complete 180º to further illustrate that point:

The NFC Championship game was to be played on the legendary icy cold tundra of Lambeau Field. By game time, the field resembled ice planet Hoth moreso than Earth. The favored Green Bay Packers were hosting the New York Giants in the second coldest game in NFC championship history. Pam Oliver was covering her entire forehead (that’s one huge hat) and Joe Buck and Troy Aikman were wearing jackets and gloves in a broadcast booth that looked like an NFL igloo. The Giants were confident since they had a 10 game road playoff winning streak and Eli Manning hadn’t turned over the ball once in the entire postseason. The Green Bay Packers were at home in cold weather with Brett Favre behind center. This had the makings of a classic playoff game. I opened up a bag of Honey BBQ potato chips (I’m Black! © Styles P) and got ready for the show to begin.

The game started out and the Packers couldn’t find any continuity on offense early. The Giants got hard yards with Brandon Jacobs and exploited the matchup between Plaxico Burress vs. Al Harris early and often. Green Bay LB Poppinga constantly brought pressure. I laughed when I saw his name on the back of his jersey because in Spanglish (this is a real language in major US cities...ask around) his name means “Dad’s dick”. The Giants marched down the field on two big drives and distributed the ball to Keith “K La” Boss and Amani Toomer to move the chains. Unfortunately, the Giants weren’t able to get the ball into the end zone on either drive and the lead was just 6-0. Jackasses.

The Packers got the ball pinned back at their own 10 yard line and the Giants rushed Favre. Favre saw a one on one on the corner and lofted the ball up for Donald Driver who took the ball 90 yards to the house. The lead was gone and the Packers were up 7-6. The Giants failed to put together a drive and Green Bay was able to move the ball down the field and get a FG to push the lead to 10-6. The Giants tried to drive before the half but it stalled as Plexico Burress dropped the ball at the 3 yard line and Eli Manning got sacked on 4th down.

During halftime I saw a Subway commercial featuring Jared Fogler and Reggie Bush showing how their lives are different using split screen. It showed them at home, their cars, etc. but it would’ve been better if it showed Reggie Bush smasing Kim Kardasian from behind while Jared is forced to use some of his Subway endorsement dough to pay some hooker to blow him. It would’ve hit home then. Speaking of Subway, I hate their new holier than thou ad campaign where it makes it seem that you’re a worthless asshole just because you ate a goddamn Whopper. Fuck you Subway and fuck you Jared! Now...back to the game!

I turned the channel to BBC America and was watching part of a Torchwood marathon and I forgot about the game for a while. When I turned back to the game the Giants were up 13-10. It turned out that the Giants drove down the field and punched it in with Brandon Jacobs. They kicked the ball off to the Packers who then marched right down the field before Brett Favre rifled to ball to Donald Lee for a 12 yard TD to make it 17-13 in favor of Green Bay. The Pack then kicked it off to the Giants who turned around drove it back down the icy cold tundra and punctuated it with a 4 yard Ahmad Bradshaw TD run to give the Giants the lead again at 20-17.

Eli Manning was looking like his brother out there and the game was finally heating up. In less than 6 game minutes three touchdowns were scored in the 3rd quarter. The Green Bay offense drove and kept the ball in the air because Ryan Grant wasn’t ever able to get into rhythm or get a big run. The Green Bay Packers settled for a 37 yard Mason Crosby FG with 11:46 left in the game to tie it up at 20-20. It would be the last score in regulation. I turned back to the Torchwood marathon at about 8:00 to go after some wackiness went down.

I heard some noise from my living room later on and went in there to see what it was. The Giants were set up to win the game at the end of the game. I figured it was a done deal and went to the bathroom. While I was in there I heard a bunch of yelling from my family and cheering coming from the TV. I washed my hands (I’m hygenic and Black!) and rushed out the bathroom like “What happened?”. My brother said “Tynes dumb ass missed the field goal!”. I was annoyed because I knew that two weeks of hearing about Brett Favre and the Battle Of The Golden Boys was going to wreak havoc on my psyche. I’d rather have the Giants win the game.

The Packers started overtime with the ball, since they couldn’t get yards with Ryan Grant, that meant that they were going to be a one dimensional team and chuck it. Brett Favre cocked back and fired the ball downfield...to the wrong guy. The Giants got a huge interception and the life was sucked right out of Lambeau Field at that moment. The Ghost Of Curly Lambeau said “Fuck!”. Bart Starr and Paul Hornung hung their heads in shame. Deanna Favre wondered what it would be like to be creamy middle of an Assante Samuel and Ellis Hobbs Oreo (Deanna Favre can get it).

The Giants marched down the field but the drive stalled at the 29 yard line. This meant that Lawrence Tynes would have to make a 47 yard field goal when no opponent had ever made a field goal over 40 yards in Lambeau. The snap came and Tynes hit the ball hard and it began to curve between the goal posts...it was long enough...it was good! The Giants were going to Super Bowl XLII for the right to get reamed by the New England Patriots!

Brett Favre was somber in his postgame press conference. Anthony Pierce, Eli Manning and Plexico Burress were ecstatic. Tom Coughlin looked like a manikin and Mike McCarthy looked like a depressed father at a Pee Wee hockey game. I was happier than Britney Spears after the guy with the blow shows up because the Patriots now had another crack at the Giants. The Giants played a great game against the Pats (and lost) and have played three straight games where Eli hasn’t turned over the ball once after Tom Brady had a 3 interception game (and still won). That all points to the Patriots beating up on Eli and the Giants come February 3rd.

Here’s the capsule:

Super Bowl XLII
February 3rd @ University Of Phoenix Arena Glendale, AZ 3:00 PM
New England Patriots (18-0) vs. New York Giants (13-6)

19-0 is just two weeks away, people.

One.

Broken Hearts.

What can I say. They beat us straight up, no excuses. I can't believe we forgot how to tackle and contain in the 2nd half. Maroney killed us. Why didn't we go for it on 4th down? Questions, questions, questions. I will root for the Patriots whoever they play in the Super Bowl. Seau & Harrison deserve it. Good luck to them. I'll tell you what though,... next year 19-0!!!!!! Til' then, I'm going to hate football and go crawl into a hole.

Alright... Fuck this Coaching Search Bullshit

The fact of the matter is they (meaning Danny Snyder and his asshat sidekick Vinny Boy Cerrato) had two sensible choices - either hire a for-real General Manager, which would've been really fucking sensible, or promote Gregg Williams, which would've been sensible enough as well to at least ride out what's been started that Joe Gibbs bailed on to handle his family business in Carolina. Of course, this is Dan Snyder so neither has happened. He's got Jim Mora having sleepovers in his mansion and holding 10-hour interviews with coaches, including FOUR FUCKING INTERVIEWS with Gregg Williams already. Four. And why the fuck do you need a ten-hour interview, other to just completely exemplify what a meddling nitpicky bullshit watching over your shoulder like a nosy little bitch used car salesman owner you're gonna be? I just had a new baby at home with a mid-wife, and the longest meeting me and my wife had with a potential mid-wife was like an hour. And that's to have our offspring's health somewhat securely promised by someone. Dan Snyder is a fucking fool and he will run this franchise into the ground. Being they of course completely overlooked the fact that no team has ever been successful without a bonafide General Manager, I doubt seriously they're even gonna hire Gregg Williams. And you would hope, as a Redskins fan like me who continues to naively have hope against all signs otherwise, that they'd make a sensible genius hire like maybe Cowher or at least Russ Grimm or Mike Singletary or something, but instead he'll probably hire Jim Tressel or some nobody go-nowhere fuck like Jim Mora Jr. who used to share hookers with Cerrato in San Fran back in the good ole days when Cerrato's lack of long-term mathematics ran that franchise into the ground. Seriously, what the fuck is going on? I am so frustrated. Was it only two weeks ago we were in a playoff game? Fucking feels like thirty-nine losses in a row ago.
God, if you exist and you are a God like them old folks made me afraid you were, and you read stupid blogs about dumb shit on the internet on your super-wi-fi connected iPhone from the future, will you make Dan Snyder's helicopter fucking wreck? Also, yeah I know that's fucked up, but seriously, I don't think I'd feel bad. I know he's invested so much money into this and all that, but fuck, I've invested all my sports-based emotions for my entire cognizant life. I am not sitting here feeling anyone owes me anything or some shit, for being a brainwashed fuckface who sits here and attaches my emotions to a professional football franchise I have no control over in games I have no effect upon, but fuck this shit. I've been in this relationship for over thirty years now, and it's been a pretty crappy relationship for a good fifteen years now, with you always being like, "Look at these old pictures and remember the good times," and I didn't want to fuck with you anymore so I'd mentally masturbate to those old memories, and every now and then you get my dick hard with these promises like two weeks ago on the Sean Taylor Destiny Express, but then I lay there sad, wondering why the fuck I ever trusted you again. Fuck you Dan Snyder. I'll never understand how you are so adept at complicating the simplest shit and overlooking the obvious. Why don't you just hire Deion Sanders to be head coach and come down here to Virginia and rape my children with Jack Kent Cooke's brittle bones? Fucker. And so young too. You might even be younger than me, which doesn't really matter because you fly around on private helicopters to your 22 million dollar mansion while I apply liquid polymers to people's houses. Shit, I haven't even worked in two weeks because of the economy and my lack of finding suitable interior work. So I sit here, buying the Washington Post every morning, waiting to read something great to fill my sad bored life with some sports stimulation, but nothing. More "10-hour interview with token black guy" stories and quotes from a linebacker about how they support Gregg Williams and that's it. Fuck.

Bears Backers... not the Fans.

I can't begin to describe my anger at the fact that this site is blocked at my workplace... yet Myspace continues to go rolling on unchecked. In the home, distractions abound... in the office, a tournament to see who can bounce a foam Progressive truck off the wall and catch it with one hand has become a way of life. But, I still have time to steal Harpo's plan for teams that didn't make the playoffs. The Position by Position Grades.

I guess it should start with the trademark position of their trademark... side of the ball.

Linebackers

Brian Urlacher - I'm probably on the outside on this, in the fact that I've always liked Urlacher and never really found him to be abrasive to the point where I wanted him to fail. Nor have I ever thought him truly over-rated. It's strange how this season, when the defense faltered quite a bit, this whole issue about him not getting many sacks over the past few seasons was a big issue. It wasn't an issue when the defense was great, but it is now? It's just too bad that this back thing is the beginning of the end for him. I think he did lead the team in tackles, and had a good number of interceptions. But, the defense sucked, and he's the guy people think is the leader... so... B-

Lance Briggs - I still think this dude is basically just Roosevelt Colvin with more discipline in zone coverage. The dudes playing next to Urlacher have made millions off tackling dudes running away from him and getting big tackles on hot read backs because of the size zone Urlacher can cover in the middle. Briggs will probably be the best one to leave, but he's not changing anyone's defense, short of fucking up their salary cap. Dude did have a season though... and he came back... and I like car wrecks. B.

Hunter Hillenmeyer - I never could place why this guy made me laugh until Raven's All-Name team that time. I feel this guy can never be fairly rated by me as I always just think of him as the guy who plays because they don't have anyone else, whom I always replace with a rookie after the first draft in Madden. But, it's not like there were any defining plays where he really screwed the pooch this year... so... solid C.

Miscellaneous Others - Of name... Brandon Ayabagingo or whatever is probably the only one who consistently makes an impact with solid special teams play. Making the pro-bowl for special teamer is like a lifetime ticket too... as long as you never try to be more than that. The incumbent advantage is huge. Blame Steve Tasker. As far as the other guys go, Jamar Williams is the dude they leveraged Briggs with, so I'd assume he'll be starting next year... and it should also test the Urlacher theory. Darrell McClover is the last dude they have that I always thought would be better, as he had really good speed coming out of Miami back when that last meant something. B-

Overall: Their defense sucked and it was tough to really say why, but I have a theory that will later be addressed, and part of that theory is not blaming the linebackers for what happened. But, they also didn't do anything to crawl out the C+ range. The sum should be greater than the parts, but it just wasn't this year. Aforementioned C+.

A step in the right direction

The Titans fired offensive coordinator Norm Chow and replaced him with Mike Heimerdinger. Aside from having a name that sounds like a character in a bad nursery rhyme, Heimerdinger was the Titans' OC in 2003, the year when McNair was absolutely on fire and won the co-MVP award with Manning. Chow was lured away from the OC position at USC two years ago in order to tutor Vince Young (Peace Be With Him). Chow, of course, coached Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart while they played for the red rubbers.

Normally I hate it when people return to their old teams, but getting Chow out of Nashville was the first priority. Yet another in a long line of college coaches who can't hack it in the big time. Heimerdinger should, in theory, be able to recreate the offensive success he found in 2003 since Vince (Peace Be With Him) was only signed to be a younger, faster McNair. If they draft a WR in the first round, I'll feel much better.

Raiders Report Card: Tight Ends

This is traditionally a position of importance to the Raiders but the last 10 years or so have been pretty sub par. Ricky Dudley was terrible, as was Doug Jolley. Teyo Johnson never panned out and Courtney Anderson just never learned how to catch. They spent their second round pick on Zach Miller out of Arizona State. The first 6 weeks or so he was non existent in the passing game on account of being used as an extra blocker due to poor O-line play. Once the line started to jell he became a factor in the air attack and put up some pretty good numbers. He has good hands and knows how to get open. I don't think he'll ever be Jason Witten or Antonio Gates, but I do think he'll be a really good tight end for a long time. Of the Raiders first day selections he was the only one who did anything of note.

John Madsen and Tony Stewart are the back ups, and if Miller were to get injured the Raiders would be seriously fucked with either of these two in there for an extended period of time. Madsen shows some potential, but pretty much played WR in college and regularly whiffs on his blocking assignments. Tony Stewart is a decent blocker with hands carved from granite. May God keep a watchful eye on Zach Miller next year.

Final Grade: B-

SHOW ME YOUR LIGHTNING BOLT!

The Spanos should change the name of the franchise to the Hearts. That's what this team is all about. Pure heart. Next up we have the evil Patriots. Again, no one thinks we have any chance. We will find a way, we will beat them, we will humble them old country way. It'll be cold as fuck. I think this will play into our hands. I think our lines can dominate theirs on both sides of the ball. I don't believe in no higher being, but NORV TURNER IS GOD! Let's go bolts!

BTW I hope that, with this last victory, that we are done with all these Manning commercials, I am sick of his stupid goober ass. Guy has no charisma at all and now he's getting his even lamer lil' brother sheli in on it. Horrible.

Raiders Report Card: O-Line

Shockingly, this area was thought to be the teams biggest weakness going into the season and ended up actually being one of it's strengths. Well, as much of a strength as one can have on a 4-12 team, I guess. Don't get me wrong, Barry Sims and Robert Gallery were pretty horrible in pass protection. Gallery apparently doesn't know that he's 6'7. He is so fucking passive that it makes me seethe to watch him get dominated by guys who he should be destroying. After bouncing from left tackle to right tackle to right guard back to right tackle the team has come to the conclusion that he sucks least at left guard. So basically they spent the #2 overall pick on a guard who is an adequate run blocker and the worst pass blocker at his position. He's good for 2 or 3 false starts every week as well as a couple holding calls. If he doesn't figure things out and fast he could very well find himself getting cut next season.

Lining up to the left of him is the worst left tackle in the NFL, Barry Sims. I remember a time not too long ago when he was one of the best lineman the Raiders had. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago when they had a great line that would give Rich Gannon all the time he needed. Barrett Robbins, Frank Middleton, Mo Collins, Lincoln Kennedy and Barry Sims were fun to watch, and some people went as far as to say that Sims was the best of the bunch. Then a funny thing happened: they all left. Robbins went apeshit before the biggest game of his life and is now in a psycho ward. Middleton got old and hurt. Mo Collins got circus fat. Lincoln retired. Sims weaknesses are more pronounced now that he isn't surrounded by great talent. He's a penalty magnet, much like Gallery. He routinely gets beat by speed rushers and over powered by bull rushers. He is terrible. And yet, for reasons only they know, the Raiders trot him out there week after week in spite of his ineptitude. He is damn near unwatchable.

Despite having the worst LT/LG combo in the league the Raiders still managed to have a successful ground attack. A lot of the credit goes to Jeremy Newberry. I rolled my eyes when the Raiders signed him, but he proved he still has a little bit left in the tank. Once they realized that Jake Grove is never going to be a starting center and put Newberry in the line started playing much better as a unit. Grove was selected one round after Gallery and has matched him step by step in their race to obscurity. Newberry did a good job of anchoring the line and pointing out blitzes and doing all the little things a good center does. He's a free agent and he's pretty long in the tooth, so there's no guarantee that he'll be back.

Cooper Carlisle was a solid pick up. He was probably the most consistent of the Raiders o-linemen. They ran to his side pretty regularly with good success. He did everything you'd expect from a 9 year vet and didn't get called for two many stupid penalties. He plays smart, which is something this team doesn't do a lot of.

They've been high on Paul McQuistan since the day they drafted him, and this was supposed to be the year he won the RT spot out of training camp. That didn't happen and the job went to Cornell Green who was pretty mediocre until suffering a season ending injury. McQuistan seized the opportunity and played really well down the stretch. He is a nasty asshole. He reminds me a lot of Steve Wisniewski. Technically and fundamentally sound guy with a big ol' mean streak. Plus he's an ugly fucker to boot. He should be their RT for the foreseeable future, and in my opinion he would make an excellent LT.

They spent a 3rd rounder on tackle Mario Henderson, and he didn't see the field all season. There seems to be a trend developing here with 1st day selections and lack of production.

In hind sight it really is amazing that they ran the ball as well as they did. There isn't a star in the whole bunch, and the left side is horrid, but somehow they found a way. This position was much better than expected, but still has a long ways to go before they're respectable again.

Final Grade: C+

Dart Adams presents The Divisional Playoffs Report Day Two

He was the best of Mannings, he was the worst of Mannings. He threw for 400 yards and turned the ball over, he threw for 163 yards and never turned it over once. One was known as a big game quarterback and the other had yet to win a big game in his career. Somewhere Archie Manning was going through hell on Sunday.

The two games on the slate for the day were the early game that determined who the Patriots would play against in the AFC Championship between the Indianapolis Colts and San Diego Chargers. The night game was between the Dallas Cowboys and New York Giants for the right to play the Green Bay Packers for the NFC crown. Let's review what happened:

The first game featured the defending Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts playing a divisional playoff game at home versus the banged up and bruised San Diego Chargers. The Colts were looking forward to getting All World receiver Marvin Harrison back for the first time this season while we wondered if Antonio Gates, LaDainian Tomlinson and Philip Rivers would be able to make it through the entire game. The Colts were a proven offensive machine with an improved defense after Bob Sanders came back. Not to mention that they were battle tested playoff veterans. The Chargers didn't stand a hamburger's chance on Biz Markie's plate (he's huge...Google a picture of him).

The game started out in typical fashion as the Colts went to the air, hit Dallas Clark and leapt out to a quick 7-0 lead. The fans went bananas after Philip Rivers killed a drive by throwing a pick. The Colts then did them a favor as the usually sure handed Marvin Harrison coughed up the ball and gave it right back to the Chargers. The Chargers drove down the field and tied the game at 7-7. The commentators began comparing Peyton Manning's 13-13 start to Tom Brady's 16-16 start the day before. As soon as they uttered that sentence Peyton Manning threw his first incompletion of the day...it wouldn't be the last, either. The Colts had to settle for a Vinatieri field goal to take the lead 10-7.

The black and blue Chargers battled back even though they had lost LT for the day after a hard hit on his knee. Anthony Cromartie came up with an interception before the half and it looked like he ran it back for the game leading touchdown. After the play was over, there was a phantom flag thrown that brought the interception all the way back to the spot of the interception with just 2 seconds on the clock. Since the Chargers were going to start the 2nd half with the ball. They knew that they had to strike first.

Behind the running of Sproles and Turner and clutch catches from Vince Jackson the Bolts were finally able to punch it in on a gorgeous long pass from Rivers to Chris Chambers to go up 14-10. Peyton drove his squad all the way down the field just to throw an interception in the red zone. The Chargers couldn't capitalize and gave the ball right back to the Colts who put together a drive and retook the lead 17-14. The lead was short lived however, because Philip Rivers hit paydirt with a 56 yard screen pass to Sproles to make it 21-17. It would also become the final play of the game for Philip Rivers as he was hobbled with a leg injury.

The Colts weren't dead yet and Peyton Manning's arm felt fine. He proved it by rifling the ball into the throes of the Charger defense again and again as Joseph Addai wasn't able to break a big run. Peyton lasered the ball and Anthony Gonzalez caught the pass and stayed inbounds to made the game 24-21 in favor of the Colts after backup Charger quarterback Bobby Volek failed to even get a first down.

Bobby Volek then did the seemingly impossible and orchestrated a clutch drive late in the 4th quarter. Volek quarterback sneaked his way into the end zone to give the Chargers the 28-24 lead with 4:50 left on the clock. If anyone could put together a game winning drive to assure that the Colts would end up in the inevitable AFC Championship matchup with the New England Patriots. After all, the Chargers had LT and Philip Rivers on the sidelines. Sure the Colts had Marvin Harrison and Bob Sanders grabbing some pine but this all came down to Peyton to win it. If he didn't win this game than he didn't deserve all of those damn commercials I see him in.

To make a long story short, Peyton Manning fucked up and his team lost to a squad that looked like they just stepped out of an episode of ER. I was acting a goddamn fool because this meant that the only thing standing between the Patriots and the Super Bowl are a team full of cats that need catscans, MRI's and cortisone shots to practice this week. All Ryan Merriman needs to do is take his power pellets. Here's the matchup for Sunday!


January 20th, 2008
AFC Championship Game
New England Patriots vs. San Diego Chargers @ Gillete Stadium 3:00 PM

The night game had a bunch of compelling story lines to it. Would Eli finally show up in a big game? Would the Giants D be effective? Will T.O. have a popcorn worthy game? Which Cowboys team will show up? The one that ran through comp during the regular season or the squad that underachieved all December? Did Romo and Witten ever double team Jessica? What does Pam Oliver use to wax her forehead to get it so damn shiny? These and many more questions were abound at the beginning of the contest.

The game started and the Giants put together a drive capped off by an Amani Toomer catch and several missed tackles that led to a TD. The Giants were up 7-0 to start the game and the crowd was silent. Next, the Cowboys came out and looked clueless during their first series. They gave the ball back to the Giants who drove it up to midfield. They had a 4th & 1 and Tom Coughlin chose to punt. I screamed at the screen, pissed off because I knew that if the Giants could go up 14-0 early on the Cowboys, it would give them the psychological edge. Sure, they hadn't been able to touch Romo yet, but with the G men's relentless pass rush, it would only be a matter of time before they got to him.

The game was tied up 7-7 and Marion Barber managed to run the ball effectively. After the Giants failed to move the ball, the Cowboys took the ball and went on a drive for the ages. The 20 play, 10:28 drive was highlighted by 6 3rd down conversions. Many children were born and conceived during this drive. At the end the Cowboys were up 14-7 and T.O. pulled in a TD pass and gave it to a little kid. There was less than a minute left before the half was over. Eli Manning didn't care. He chucked the ball and got his team in the end zone in only 4 plays and :47. The game was tied at 14-14 at the half and all of the energy was sucked right out of the arena. I knew right then and there that the Cowboys weren't gonna win this game.

The second half of the game saw Marion Barber not being able to recapture the same form he had in the 1st half. Terrell Owens couldn't get open, but Patrick Crayton, Terry Glenn and Jason Witten were moving the chains. Tony Romo didn't appear to be a man who had all of the protein drained out of his body by a nameless blond succubus pop star with huge breasts (I'm talking about Jessica Simpson, she's the blond succubus pop star with huge breasts I was previously referring to).
The only score in the entire 3rd quarter was a Cowboys FG that gave them a 17-14 lead. The Giants came out and drove as Eli Manning continued to be efficient and manage the game without turning the ball over. With 13:29 left in the game, Brandon Jacobs ran into the end zone and flung the pigskin at the play clock. The Giants had the lead on the road 21-17 and their defense was hyped up now.

Time and time again the Giants linebackers were able to either shed their blockers or just come in clean to pressure Tony Romo into making worse decisions then Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Rumer Willis all combined (Rumer dresses like a damn colorblind hobo). He held the ball instead of throwing it away when he was out of the pocket. Then he threw the ball away before he got out of the pocket. When he was able to get the ball away it was either for short yards, too long for the receiver, or it was dropped (Crayton, I'm looking at you!). Neither the Giants or the Cowboys could put points on the board but Eli Manning was able to play the field position game and not turn the ball over.

In the end, the Cowboys were undone by the Giants harrassing defense, drive stalling sacks, costly penalties and ultimately an interception in the end zone. It was done. Tony Romo had failed to win a playoff game and Eli Manning had finally won the big game on the same day his brother lost the big game. A whole bunch of people across the nation lost money on Sunday. At the post game press conference T.O. (Mr. Get Your Popcorn Ready) was crying like a six year old girl. I feel for him that he was on a #1 seed team in the NFC and they went one and out and now he and his quarterback were gonna be under mad scrutiny but please T.O., MAN THE FUCK UP!!! There's no crying! There's no crying in football (unless you win a big game, that is)!

The game for all the NFC marbles is now set in stone:

January 20th, 2008
NFC Championship Game
Green Bay Packers vs. New York Giants @ Lambeau Stadium 6:30 PM

I don't know about y'all but I can't wait for Sunday!

One.

Raiders Report Card: Wide Receivers

Man, what a bag of shit this position is. The fact that they were forced to use brittle assed Tim Dwight as their #3 receiver says it all. Nothing worked out at this position. They brought in Travis Taylor, hoping he'd be able to be a solid #3 and he was out of here like shit through a goose. Kiffin thought he could coax some production out of Mike Williams' under achieving ass. After singlehandedly losing one game with a fumble after a huge catch and another with a drop on 3rd down that would've sealed the game he was gone. Draft pick Johnnie Lee Higgins did nothing nor did the unheralded Chris McFoy. Ronald Curry is one of my favorite Raiders, but the fact is he is nothing more than a good possession receiver. The fact that he's their top receiving threat is damning. He has great hands and decent speed and makes all the tough catches, but he just doesn't get behind the coverage like you need him to. This is where Jerry Porter should come into play, yet he doesn't. Watching Porter play is infuriating because he has the talent to be a top notch receiver. He should be good for 1200+ yards and 12 TDs a year. Yet, for whatever reason, he just doesn't give a shit. He breaks routes off too early, he doesn't sell out on run blocking and his route running is terrible. I was one of his last real supporters and even I hate the prick now. Unfortunately the draft probably won't bring any help. They just invested a first day pick on Johnnie Lee Higgins and will most likely continue to force him down our throats till they realize that 40 times don't translate to on field success. Higgins was flat out bad this year, and not just on offense. He was supposed to bring a boost to the return game, and he couldn't even unseat Chris fucking Carr from those duties. He averaged barely 5 yards per punt return. FIVE! Plenty of receivers have struggled their rookie year, so I'm not rushing to judgment on him yet, but he's not off to a good start. Chris McFoy had all of one catch, so it's hard to evaluate him. I swear I thought Doug Gabriel was on this team last year, but apparently he didn't make a catch.

This is a position that needs to be addressed this off season. Porter is a free agent and hopefully will bolt. Bernard Berrian, Bryant Johnson and Drew Carter could be had for a pretty reasonable price and could help out right off the bat. I'm a big fan of Johnson because he has great hands and is a tough son of a bitch. Berrian is the sexy choice, but Drew Carter might have a higher ceiling, in my opinion. DJ Hackett of Seattle is also a free agent but he can't stay healthy. The rest of the free agent WRs that they'd have a realistic chance at signing aren't all that impressive. Knowing Al Davis, after Jabar Gaffney goes crazy in the Super Bowl and gets 140 yards and 2 TDs and gets an unearned Super Bowl MVP trophy he'll throw a bunch of money at him and expect him to be the next Tim Brown. Such is life as a Raiders fan.

Final Grade: D-

Redskins Report Card: Quarterbacks

I was gonna do a wack-ass year-end wrap-up, but I liked Harpo's post a few below, I figured I'd just mimic his shit, and that way when I don't do shit to update, I can blame it on his lazy ass. He's Mexican, so we're lucky we even got one post out of his overweight half-drunk ass.
The quarterback position is one of great import in the NFL, and the Redskins have ran through starting QBs like '80s rappers ran through "Bruce Jenner" name drops when talking about running up into hoes, which was slang for sticking your dick inside them back in those days. We are full of hype and promise at this position, i I guess, with Jason Campbell on top of the depth chart. He seems like he could be good one day, but he also seemed adept at tossing stupid interceptions at the very end of games during possible game-winning drives, stuck in reverse Montana mode. He is young though, and a former high ass draft pick that we probably traded like 17 draft picks to the Denver Broncos to get, so they'll stick with him. I am down with that, although if he was a franchise superstar in the making, you would expect him to have delivered more after a year-and-a-half of starts than more promise. I wonder what his progression stat would look like in Madden. Maybe he can learn shit, and he seems like a nice enough dude, but who knows? The great excuse for him is that this past year was the first one in his entire post high school career where he had the same offensive coordinator two years in a row. I don't give a fuck personally. Throw a touchdown you overpaid motherfucker. (It should be noted the previous two quarterbacks drafted in the first round by the Redskins were Patrick Ramsey and Heath Shuler. Both of those went pretty well I'd say, if having your jersey replicas hanging unsold in Goodwills for $3 is a sign of pretty well.)
The aging wonder Todd Collins stepped up and made some great plays to help the Skins ride the Sean Taylor R.I.P. Heaven Needed a Hard-Hitting Safety & The NFL Needed a Sentimental Storyline Express into a sucky ass performance against Seattle in the playoffs. It has been well documented that Collins hadn't started a game since he played with Jim Kelly and Bronco Nagurski. Here's the thing about Collins - he has goat eyes, sort of poking away from each other. I'm sure this gives him superior field vision, but you can't trust goat eyes. Trust me, I've had goats. They are foul, unpredictable, asshole-by-nature creatures. You give them straw to sleep on and hay to eat and they eat all the straw and drag the hay into the rain to ruin it with mold and feces, then head smash you in the knee in anger for having allowed them to do something so fucking stupid. And when you punch them, their flat heads cushion the blow, they shake their head back and forth hilariously, and then get up on their hindlegs to do a dance of further head smash threatening. Then when you're not looking, they start eating one of your dreadlocks. Assholes. Collins had a great performance and made ESPN Sportscenter highlight feature clips galore, but fuck man, he basically came to the Redskins with Al Saunders, who he's had some sort of nefarious latently homosexual relationship for seven straight years, so he knew the offense. He's a free agent now, and I'm sure some other team may be retarded enough to throw money at him as if he's an undiscovered gem to be exploited, when in actuality he's an old dude who's been allowed one playbook for seven years, so he's competent. Also, I don't think there are more than one Dan Snyder owning teams in the NFL, so I doubt anyone else will throw giant money at him. Snyder will probably trade a second round draft pick to another team to re-sign Collins on his own. Which means a guy that was old and ugly who was our reliable back-up will, next year, be another twelve months older and uglier and holding the clipboard again, waiting for Campbell to get crumbled again during haphazard scrambles, to lead us to mediocrity.
Mark Brunell is the third string quarterback. If this old crippled conservative fuckface is still a Redskin by August I will be surprised. I never liked Brunell, as he was an old fuckface when he came here nine years ago. He also has grand designs on being a Republican Senator from Florida one day. Who the fuck thinks about shit like that? Like what kind of an asshole do you have to be in real life to be in your 30s and think, "Hey, I'm gonna be a Senator one day." No for-real laid back dudes think like that, no straight up bros who know the deal think like that. Fuck Mark Brunell. I hope his kids have godless mulatto babies who never register vote because voting is for sucks.
The Redskins also have some guy named Sam Hollenbach on their roster at QB, but I think he's one of those imaginary dudes created by the Madden computer who would've played in NFL Europa, but since that's gone, they just work at Applebees as a bartender and are Redskins only as practice squad members, which means they get to help the team practice, wash the uniforms, and they get free second tier seats to home games. Plus all the throwback Heath Shuler jerseys they want.
I imagine the Skins will stick with Campbell, which you kind of have to at this point, and he will be whatever it is he be's again. Collins will make an exorbitantly unnecessary amount of money to stand around holding a clipboard on the sideline, probably doing sudokus. And I'm sure since Brunell is supposed to make three million dollars as a useless cripple, they'll drop him and sign some other retarded washed-up quarterback to "compete" for the back-up job... like Damon Huard or Koy Detmer or some shithead like that. And we will again lead the NFC in pre-season "promise".

Dart Adams presents The Divisional Playoffs Report Day One

Essentially what happened yesterday was that both teams that were supposed to win both won in convincing fashion. The Green Bay Packers started out the game down 14-0 behind two early Ryan Grant fumbles and the New England Patriots gave up a touchdown on the game's initial drive to go down 7-0 behind a miraculous TD toss (while in the act of being sacked) from David Garrard. Both teams faced early adversity often and persevered. It had a lot to do with the fact the the quarterbacks of both the Green Bay Packers and New England Patriots (Brett Favre and Tom Brady respectively) are among the greatest postseason performers in NFL history and they have great support on both defense and offense.

The Green Bay Packers had the perfect scenario in place to play a playoff game in Lambeau Field. The icy cold tundra was in full effect mode like Al B. Sure (minus the curly hair, unibrow, leather vest and uncomfortably tight pants) and it looked like the Pack was gonna stop Seattle. After the Seattle jumped up to the 14-0 lead I said "If they don't get the lead out to 21-0, they're still gonna lose". Sure enough, Brett Favre marched his squad right on down the field and hit pay dirt to make it 14-7 off of an improvised pass play to Greg Jennings. After Seattle failed to get anything going, Brett marched the squad down the field with the help of black superhero Ryan Grant. He overcame his previous obstacles (read: the Seahawk defense) and punched it in to tie the game at 14-14.

In the second quarter, Favre once again hit Gregg Jennings in the end zone to give the Pack the lead 21-14. The Seahawks drove down the field but failed to get a tying score so the settled for a FG to make it 21-17. Ryan Grant then decided to go Super Saiyan on the Seahawks collective ass and ran like both the IRS and KKK were chasing him. He eventually took it to the house to make the score 28-17 before halftime. As far as I was concerned the game was already over.

The snow began to accumulate and pretty soon you couldn't even see the field...perfect! The combination of the passing game and the reinvigorated running attack eventually led to 42-20 asskicking. The Green Bay Packers will now face the winner of today's contest against the Dallas Cowboys and the New York Giants. This game is a veritable Choose Your Own Path Dungeons & Dragons children's book in my opinion. Which teams will show up? Will Eli play like Peyton...or Eli? Will Tony Romo be regular season Tony Romo or that Tony Romo that couldn't complete a pass unless it was made at Jessica Simpson (why is her dad always around)?

The late game was a game I was waiting on for weeks. The Patriots in Gillette Stadium versus anyone. Last night the "anyone" was the Jacksonville Jaguars. I heard NFL handicappers and analysts all saying that the Patriots were gonna lose because they wouldn't be able to stop the Jags tandem of running backs, Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew.

The Patriots are notorious for stuffing great running teams rushing attacks so I wasn't concerned. The Jags were gonna throw the ball...this season some okay quarterbacks have had great games throwing versus the Pats D. However, they've all turned the ball over at a crucial time which ended up costing them the game. All the Pats needed was a turnover. I couldn't wait for the game to start.

The Jags got the ball first and drove 80 yards down the field by getting big plays and converting a tough 4th down along the way before coming away with a miraculous TD grab on the game's initial drive. The Patriots were actually behind in a game. They didn't care, it was just time to go to work. The Patriots took their time and took what the defense gave as Tom Brady picked apart the Jags defense like a nagging girlfriend does to a man's (or a lesbian's) self esteem. They even mixed in the run by running Maroney and Faulk up the gaps caused by the defenses used by the Jags to contain Moss and not give up the big play. Eventually, the Pats ended up in the end zone and Benjamin Watson was holding the football. 7-7.

The New England defense did their job and forced a turnover via a Garrard fumble and the Patriots were back in business. Laurence Maroney took it to the house and the Patriots had a 14-7 lead. This lead was made all the more important because the Jaguars usually had the put together long drives to score since they couldn't break big runs due to the Patriots defense and they would have to kick the ball off to the Patriots to start the second half. If they Jags went down by more than a touchdown and had to abandon the running game and throw, it would put them in position to turn the ball over again.

Once again, Jacksonville converted tough 3rd downs time and time again. They hung tough and eventually scored another touchdown on a 95 yard drive capped off by another amazing pass from David Garrard. No problem, all the Patriots need to do was score before the half and then score again with the first possession of the second half and the Jags would be in jeopardy since they had no hurry up offense...Until the Patriots came down the field and Gostkowski missed the goddamn field goal! The half ended 14-14 and the Patriots needed to play "I get a touchdown, you get a..." for another quarter.

The Patriots got the ball to start out the second half and stuck to their game plan of running and screening into the gaps left by the defensive backs while Randy Moss was an effective blocking wide receiver. Then something amazing happened...Tom Brady threw an incompletion. Oh wait, did I fail to mention that Tom Brady didn't throw an incomplete pass until 5 minutes had gone in the 3rd quarter and hit his first 16 passes in a row? It's not important, anyways because the Patriots weren't winning the game yet.

The Patriots marched down the field and Tom Brady hit Wes Welker with a touchdown pass to make the game 21-14. The Patriots defense dug in and sent pressure Garrard's way, this forced the Jags to settle for a FG. The score was now 21-17 and all the Patriots had to do was get a touchdown and the game would be theirs. Seeing that Randy Moss was being guarded the same way all game but the other side was open, Brady tossed it up the Donte Stallworth and he pulled down a 53 yard pass play that came a shoestring tackle away from being a quick six. The Jags had given up the big play anyways. Damn, these guys are good!

Tom Brady did some sleight of hand trickery and hit Ben Watson for a 9 yard TD pass to push the lead to 28-17. The Jaguars were in deep shit now and they knew it. They had to score quickly and often. To make it worse, the Jacksonville defense hadn't once stopped the Patriots and capitalized off of it. They needed to get into a hurry up style offense and score a touchdown desperately. The Patriots defense was in a groove now and held them to yet another FG to make it 20-28 with 9:44 left in the game. Once more score would all put put the game out of reach for the Patriots and put them in their 5th AFC Championship game in 7 years.

The Pats marched down the field and tacked on a huge Gostkowski field goal with 6:39 left to go in the game to make it 31-20. The Patriots were able to stuff the Jacksonville run defense and stop David Garrard (although Rodney Harrison kept giving them second chances) after Rodney Harrison did what he normally does and intercepted yet another ball in yet another big game.

The Patriots won the game to tie the 17-0 mark previously only held by the 1972 Miami Dolphins (Mercury Morris is shittin' his pants right now!) and Tom Brady set an NFL single game record by going 26-28 for a 93% completion rating. I can't even do that on Tecmo Super Bowl! The Patriots are waiting to play the winner of the Indianapolis Colts/San Diego Chargers game today. At the typing of this blog, the Colts are up 7-0 and San Diego is driving after Marvin Harrison coughed the ball up.

I didn't wanna say I told ya so but I told ya so. Who's next to catch a bad one, son?

One.