Friday, October 10, 2008
Another Day, Another Disaster
The Lions game plan on Sunday against the Vikings is simple: try to run in a straight line without shitting their pants. Of course this is far too much to ask and so by the time we're halfway through the first quarter, I am sure we will all be treated to the sight of a random Lion (my guess is Jeff Backus - well, this week anyway, because, well, why not?)sitting in a pool of his own feces on the thirty yard line, weeping and slobbering all over himself while whoever the shitburger is playing quarterback lies in a broken heap behind him, his arms gnawed off by a celebrating Jared Allen.
The good news this week is that Jon Kitna is apparently out with a sprained vagina. The official explanation is that his back hurts, which just makes him look like the fossilized old pussy he has become. But I suspect this is just some lame ass cover given to him by the coaches who don't want to admit that Kitna has been publicly executed. I mean, come on you fucks, can't you even do this right? If there was one thing that was going to provide any solace to Lions fans the rest of this horrid year it was going to be the ritual dismemberment and public execution and humiliation of each and every one of these assholes. And Kitna is one of the biggest assholes there is, and we aren't even being allowed the satisfaction of knowing that he has been yanked for being too shitty for even the Lions? This is some serious bullshit. He should be forced to wear Rod Marinelli's diaper - after Rod has spent the game wearing it - and run around Ford Field while the fans pelt him with shit - both literally and figuratively.
To say the Lions have struggled defensively this year is an understatement. In fact they are 32nd out of 32 teams in total defense, and if there were 50 teams they would be 50th, if there were 100, they'd be 100th and so on and so on. This week they face Adrian Peterson, who will likely have time during runs to stop for a smoke break and to fuck a groupie or two before the Lions can even think of tackling him. Apparently, I am supposed to be comforted by the fact that Gus Frerotte is starting at QB for the Vikings. But it should be clear by now that the Vikings could line up a retard with polio and pediatric AIDS and no arms and he would still pass for 300 yards and 4 touchdowns.
Meanwhile, on offense, the Lions have already decided to scrap the no huddle they tried against Chicago, which was ineffective because the team failed to grasp that the point of a no huddle is to work at a fast pace, not allowing the defense time to adjust. Instead the Lions just sort of wandered around the field, presumably gossiping and exchanging recipes in between plays. Of course the no huddle was far too complex a system for Rod Marinelli and company to grasp and so it has been left in the dustbin along with anything else that these cretinous assholes are bewildered by, which is pretty much everything. The official reason for the no huddle being killed? Marinelli thinks that the crowd will be too loud for his dumbass players to handle. Of course, he is right, but still, what an enormous pussy.
If the Lions coaches had any guts they would just say fuck it and start doing crazy shit like, I dunno, putting Calvin Johnson in behind center and running the Wild Hog. Of course it would be a disaster, but at least it would be more interesting than the sad little death march they have going on now. I mean, things have gotten so bad that there is a chance that Drew Henson of all people could end up playing quarterback for them in the coming weeks. Why not see if Ryan Leaf is available while you're at it? My only hope is that this is the week when everything finally explodes and Roy Williams chokes Rod Marinelli on the sidelines, causing Marinelli to flip out and have a 'Nam flashback, followed by him randomly attacking various players and referees until he is sedated and carted off the field in one of those Hannibal Lecter masks. A full scale riot may be the only thing that can save this season. I can only hope, and if I am anything it is an optimist.
Predicted Final Score: Are you kidding me? FUCKING MISERY AND PAIN. LOTS AND LOTS OF PAIN. But for you anal retentive types I will do my best to translate that into an actual numerical prediction: Vikings 78, Lions 3, and hopefully a body count of at least 17.